第7章 奇葩囧语(2)

"Sorry，madam，"said the doctor，"I am afraid you will have to use a pencil."

用铅笔

一位女士给医生打电话。

“大夫，快过来，”她喊道，“我一岁的儿子刚才把我的自来水笔吞下去了！”

“我会尽快赶过去的，”医生说，“但现在诊所里还有几个病人，你再等两三个小时吧。”

“两三个小时！”那位女士大声喊道，“这段时间我该怎么办？”

“对不起，太太，”医生说，“恐怕你只能用铅笔了。”

16 They Are Directly from America

Not long after an old Asian woman came back to Asia from her visit to her daughter in the States.She went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her.At the bank counter，the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real.It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more，uttering：

“Trust me，sir，and trust the money.They are real US dollars.They are directly from America."

从美国直接带来的

一位亚洲老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。这种做法让.老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：

“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”

17 Why Is She Screaming

Once a music teacher took her class to enjoy the first‐grand opera.The lights began to dim，the conductor began waving his baton，and the soprano started singing.

After a while，one of the students asked the teacher，"Why does the conductor keep waving his stick at the woman？What has she done？"

So the teacher said，"Oh.don’t worry.It’s just the way it is.He won’t hit her！Don’t worry."

And so the student asked，"Then why is she screaming？"

她为何尖叫

一位音乐老师带学生去欣赏一流的大型歌剧。当灯光暗下来之后，歌剧指挥开始挥动他的指挥棒，女高音的歌声随之而响。

过了一会儿，一位学生问老师：“为什么指挥先生一直朝那位女士挥棒子呢？她做错了什么事吗？”

老师回答：“噢！不要担心，歌剧的演唱方式就是这样，他不会打她的，你不要担心。”

学生又问：“那为什么她要这样大声尖叫呢？”

18 How Much do You Figure I Owe You

When a time operator found that his office safe had jammed，hecalled the nearby state prison asked whether any of the inmates mightknow how to open it.

Soon，a convict and a prison guard showed up at the office.The inmate spun the dials，listened intently and calmly opened the safedoor.

"I’m much obliged."said the mine operator，"How much doyou figure I owe you？"

"Well，"said the prisoner，"the last time I opened a safe I got＄35，000."

付多少钱

一名矿主发现办公室的保险箱卡住了，就给附近的州监狱打去了电话，问是否有囚犯知道怎样打开保险箱。

不久，一名囚犯和监狱看守就来到了他的办公室。那个囚犯扭动号码，仔细听了听，然后平静地打开了保险箱门。

“非常感谢，”矿主说，“我要付给你多少钱？”

“噢，”那个囚犯说，“上次我打开一个保险箱，得到三万五千美元。”

19 I’ll Go There Myself in A Few Minutes

There was once a landlord who always pretended he was knowledgeable though he was completely unable to read or write.

One day when the landlord was chatting with his guests，a servant came in and gave him a letter that asked him to lend a cow.The landlord was afraid that his guests would know he was unable to read and write，so he opened the envelope and glanced over the words.Then he said to the servant，"OK，please tell him I’ll go there myself in a few minutes."

等会儿我自己过去

从前有一个地主既不会读也不会写，偏要装作很有学问。

一天，地主正在和宾客们聊天，一个仆人走进来递给他一封信，信上请他出借一头牛。地主害怕客人们知道他是个文盲，就打开信封，瞧了一眼信上的文字，然后对仆人说：“好吧，请告诉他，我等会儿自己过去。”

20 Bad News

A man walked into a bar and asked for five shots of vodka.The bartender said，"Five shots？What’s wrong？"

"I found out my older brother is a gay."replied the man.

The next night，he walked into the bar again and asked for five shots of vodka."What now？"asked the bartender.

"I found out my younger brother is a gay."replied the man.

The night after that，the man walked into the bar again and asked for five shots of vodka."Buddy，does anybody in your family like women？"asked the bartender.

The man replied，"Yeah，my wife does."

坏消息

一个男人走进一家酒吧，要了五杯伏特加酒。侍者说：“五杯？出什么事了？”

“我发现我哥哥是同性恋。”男人回答。

第二天晚上，他又走进这家酒吧，又叫了五杯伏特加。“又怎么了？”侍者问。

“我发现我弟弟是同性恋。”男人回答。

第三天晚上，男人再次走进酒吧要了五杯伏特加。“老兄，难道你家里就没人喜欢女人吗？”侍者问。

男人回道：“有，我妻子。”

21 Logic Reasoning

A fifrth‐grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation."she said，"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river，fishing.He loses his balance，falls in，and begins splashing and yelling for help.His wife hears the commotion，knows that he can’t swim，and runs down to the bank.Why do you think she ran to the bank？"

A girl raised her hand and asked，"To draw out all of his savings？"

逻辑推理

小学五年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。她举了这么一个例子：“有样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。于是开始挣扎并喊救命。他的妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。谁能告诉我这是为什么？”

一个女生举手答道：“是不是去取他的存款？”

22 That Was before I Tried It

A guy comes into the circus office and says，"I can climb up the center tent pole，dive off with no tent，land on my head in the middle of the ring，stand up and take a bow-all for ＄300."

"I don’t know，"says the ringmaster，"I’d have to see it first."

So the guy climbs up，jumps，lands on his head，stands up and bows.

"Okay！"shouts the ringmaster，"You’re hired for＄300."

"Not ＄300，"says the guy，"＄500！"

"I thought you just said ＄300."complains the ringmaster.

The guy says，"That was before I tried it."

试前价

一个人走进马戏团办公室说：“我可以爬到中场帐篷的支柱上，从帐篷的支柱上往下跳，头朝下在表演场中央落地，站起来，鞠躬--全部费用是三百美元。”

“我不知道行不行，”马戏团领班说，“我得先看看再说。”

于是，那人爬上去，向下跳，头先落地，站起来，鞠躬。

“好！”马戏团领班大声说道，“三百美元雇佣你了。”

“不是三百美元，”那人说，“是五百美元！”

“我想你刚才是说三百美元吧？”领班抱怨说。

那人说：“那是我的试前价。”

23 Goldberg

A teacher was always so involved in the text being studied that he never looked up.He would call on a student for translation and explanation，and he often chose the same student day after day.Out of respect，the student wouldn’t point this out to him.

After being called on five days in a row，a student named Goldberg asked advice from his friends.

The next day when the teacher said，"Goldberg，translate and explain."

Goldberg replied，"Goldberg is absent today."

"All right."said the teacher，"You translate and explain."

戈德堡

一位老师讲课时总是非常投入，从不抬头，经常让一个学生翻译解释，而且日复一日都叫同一个学生。出于尊敬，那个学生并没有给他指出这一点。

一个叫戈德堡的学生被一连叫了五天后，向朋友们请教办法。

第二天，这位老师又说：“戈德堡，翻译解释。”

戈德堡回答说：“戈德堡今天没来。”

“好吧，”老师说，“你来翻译解释。”

24 An Unusual Way

A teacherof English had an unusual way to in struct com position.Once，as he called his class in order，the classroom burst open and in came a very attractive dark‐haired girl.

"Mary，"the teacher cried，leaping up from the desk，"Mary，darling！"