第6章 奇葩囧语(1)
1 Send the Bill to My Father
Doctor： I can do nothing for your complaint.It is hereditary.
Patient： Then send the bill to my father，please.
把账单给我父亲
医生：“对你的病痛我无能为力。那是遗传病。”
病人：“那请你把账单给我父亲吧。”
2 How about That
A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read，"Here lies Alva，a lawyer and an honest man."
"How about that！"he exclaimed."They’ve got three people buried in one grave."
怎么回事
一个上坟的人看到一块墓碑上写着：“这里躺着阿尔瓦里，一个律师和一个诚实的人。”
“这是怎么回事！”他大声说道，“他们把三个人合葬在了同一座墓里。”
3 I’ve Got the Wrong Room
"A beautiful woman appeared in the doorway of my hotel room and said，‘Oh，no，I’ve got the wrong room.’"Henry relates.
"But I told，‘You’ve got the right room-you’re just 20 years too late！’"
走错了房间
“一个美女出现在我旅馆房间的门口说：‘噢，不，我走错了房间。’”亨利叙述说。
"但我说：‘你走对了--只是迟到了二十年！’"
4 You’re Facing the Wrong Way
In a cinema，a lady turned round and said to the giggling school girls behind her，"Do you mind，I’m trying to watch the film."
"In that case，"said one of them，"you’re facing the wrong way."
你看错方向了
剧院里，一位女士回头对后面正在说笑的一群女学生说：“不好意思，我想好好看会儿电影。”
“既然这样，”其中一个女孩子说，“您现在可是看错方向了。”
5 How Do I Breathe
A friend of mine explained how his eyes had watered when he sliced onions.Trying to be helpful，I told him his eyes wouldn’t tear if he cut the onions under water.
"Well，yes，"he said，"but how do I breathe？"
我怎么呼吸
我的一位朋友向我解释说，他在切洋葱时总是眼泪直流。为了帮他，我告诉他在水下切洋葱就不会流泪。
“噢，是吗？”他说，“可我怎么呼吸呢？”
6 Protest
A drunk stands up in a bar and shouts，"All Lawyers are scumbags."
Another drunk stands up and yells，"Hey，I resent that remark."
The first drunk yells，"Why，are you a lawyer？"
"No，"said the second drunk，"I’m a scumbag."
抗议
一喝醉了的人在一酒吧大叫：“所有的律师都是无赖。”
另外的一个喝醉了的人站起来同样大叫：“嗨，我不同意你那么说。”
那个喝醉了的人大叫：“为什么？你是一位律师？”
“不，”第二个喝醉了的说，“我是一个无赖。”
7 Beat Your Son
Mr.Blake was watching TV when his seven‐year‐old son came into the room crying，"Daddy，my grandpa slapped me in the face."
Hearing that，Mr.Blake became so angry that he suddenly boxed his own ears heavily and said，"You beat my son and I dare to beat yours."
打你儿子
布莱克先生在房间里看电视，他七岁的儿子走进来哭道：“爸爸，爷爷刚才打了我一巴掌。”
布莱克先生听了非常生气，突然重重地打了自己一个耳光，说：“你打我儿子，我也敢打你儿子。”
8 I Thought You Were Landing
A small plane with an instructor and student on board hit the runway and bounced repeatedly until it came to a stop.
The instructor turned to the student and said，"That was a very bad landing you just made."
"Me？"replied the student，"I thought you were landing."
我以为你在降落
一架载着一名飞行教练和一名学员的小型飞机撞在跑道上，颠簸了一阵才停下来。教练转过身对学员说：“你这次降落得真是太糟了。”
“我？”学员回答说，“我还以为是你在降落呢。”
9 Where Am I
An Englishman lost his way while he was driving in the countryside.He saw a farmer working in the field nearby，so he went nearer in his car and asked the farmer，"Excuse me，can you tell me where I am？"
"Yes，"the farmer looked at him strangely and said，"you are in your car，sir."
我在哪儿
一个英国人在乡下开车时迷了路，他看见一个农民正在附近的地里干活。于是他就把车开过去问那位农民：“劳驾，您能告诉我我现在在哪儿吗？”
“可以，”农夫奇怪地看了看他后说，“你现在在你的车子里，先生。”
10 Go Home for My Pyjamas
Mr.Billy had spent the evening visiting his old friend Mr.Moore，but when the time came for him to leave there was a sudden thunderstorm and the rain began to fall in torrents.
"You’d better stay the night."said Mr.Moore.
"Thanks，I will."said Mr.Billy，"I’ll just go home for my pyjamas."
拿睡衣
一天晚上，比利万先生去拜访老朋友莫尔先生。正当他要起身告辞时，突然下起了雷阵雨，大雨倾盆而下。
“你最好在这里过夜。”莫尔先生说。
“谢谢，我会的。”比利万先生说，“但我要先跑回家去拿睡衣来。”
11 Keep Feeding
A mother saw her three‐year‐old son put a nickel in his mouth and swallowed.She immediately picked him up，turned him upside down and hit him on the back，whereupon he coughed up two dimes.Frantically，she called to the father outside，"Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes！What shall I do？"
Yelled back the father，"Keep feeding him nickels！"
继续喂
母亲见三岁的儿子将一枚五分镍币放进嘴里吞了下去，她立刻将他抱起，头朝下不停地拍打他的后背，他咳出了两枚一角的硬币，她发狂似地朝正在外面的孩子父亲喊道：“你儿子刚才吞下了一枚五分镍币，可咳出两枚一角的硬币！我该怎么办呢？”
孩子他爸大声回答道：“再喂他几枚五分镍币！”
12 Lawyer and Engineer
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.The lawyer，said."I’m here because my house burned down，and then insurance company paid for everything.""That’s quite a coincidence，"said the engineer，"I’m here because my house destroyed by a flood，and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer lookd somewhat confused."How do you start a flood？"he asked.
律师与工程师
一个律师与一个工程师在加勒比海边钓鱼，律师说：“我到这里是因为我的房子被大火烧了，保险公司赔偿了我所有的损失。”“这太巧了，”工程师说，“我是因为房子被洪水冲垮了，保险公司也赔偿了所有的损失。”
律师看起来有些困惑。“你是怎么引起洪水的？”他不解地问。
13 I’m a Grandfather
I was elated when my son called me from Japan with the wonderful news of my grandson’s birth.I took down all an the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co‐workers."I’m a grandfather！"I declared，"It’s a baby boy，and he weighs seven pounds.""When was he born？"someone asked.Recalling the date my son told me，I stopped，looked at the calendar and said in amazement，"Tomorrow！"
我当爷爷了
当我儿子从日本打电话来告诉我一个好消息，说我的孙子出生了的时候，我兴奋极了。我把所有的情况都记下来，转述给我的同事们。我宣布说：“我当爷爷了！是个男孩，重七磅呢。”“什么时候出生的啊？”有人问道。我看着儿子告诉我的日期，突然顿住了，再看了看日历，我惊讶地说：“明天！”
14 A Burglar Can’t Find Me Either
My brother got a call from a security firm that offered him a promotional burglar alarm at no charge.Happy to get something for free，he gave the caller directions to his farm.But no one showed up.The next morning the supplier called him to say that he was lost."I’ll try again to find you，"he said."Never mind，"said my brother，"If you can’t find me，I don’t expect a burglar can either."
贼也找不到我
我弟弟接到保安公司的促销电话，说要免费给他提供防盗警报器。他听说能免费得到东西，就很高兴地告诉了那个人怎么走到他的农场。但却没有人来。第二天早上，那人打电话说他头一天迷路了。“我会再找一次的。”他说。我弟弟却说：“没关系，如果你都找不到我，那我想贼也不会找到我。”
15 Use a Pencil
A lady got her doctor on the phone.
"Come quick，doc."she cried，"My one‐year‐old boy just swallowed my fountain pen."
"I’ll come over as soon as possible，"sald the doctor，"but there are several patients in my off ice now and you may not see me for two or three hours."
"Two or three hours！"cried the lady，"What shall I do in themeantime？"