第3章 极品醉爱(3)
"But what if there’s a microphone somewhere？I’d be so embarrassed."
So the groom searched under the tables and behind the pictures.Then he turned back the rug. Sure enough， there was a funny‐looking gizmo in the floor.He took out the screws，got rid of the hardware，and climbed into bed.
The next morning the hotel manager asked the newly‐weds，"How was your room？How was the service？How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel？"
"Why are you asking me all of these questions？"the groom says.
"It’s rather unusual."the manager answered，"Last night the couple in the room below yours had a chandelier fall on them."
不寻常
一对度蜜月的新人住进了华盛顿特区水门旅馆。
当天夜里，丈夫关灯时，新娘问：“你认为这个房间会被窃听吗？”
“那是很久以前的事儿了，亲爱的。”他安慰新娘说。
“但如果某个地方有话筒怎么办？我会很难为情的。”
新郎检查了桌子下面和画像背后，然后又翻过地毯，发现地板上有个样子奇特的螺母，就拧下螺母，拆掉零件，然后便钻进了被窝。
第二天早上，旅馆经理问这对新婚夫妇：“你们的房间还好吗？我们的服务怎么样？你们在水门旅馆住得怎么样？”
新郎反问道：“你为什么要问我这些问题？”
“太不寻常了，”旅馆经理回答说，“昨晚你们这个房间下层的枝形吊灯掉到了你们下面那个房间的夫妇身上。”
21 It’s Unnecessary to See God with a Present
There was once a stingy and narrow‐minded man，who was ready to get angry about trifles.
One day he took a matter to heart and hit upon the idea of taking his own life.That day，to find a chance of suicide，he went out with his wife on the excuse of driving away his cares.
When they came to a river，he took off his clothes when his wife took no notice.Then he jumped into the river.
All of a sudden，he raised his head out of the water，shouting to his wife，"Farewell，my dear！Don’t forget to take my clothes home."On seeing this，the passengers on the bank all asked to rescue the man from danger.
But his wife said in no hurry，"You needn’t save him.I can get him out of the water by himseif."With this words，she took her husband’s wallet and threw it into the river.
The husband，who was taking his own life，caught hold of the wallet all at once.
And then，he quickly swam to the bank.He rushed to his wife in an angry way，shouting，"Are you crazy？It’s unnecessary to see God with a present！"
见上帝没必要带礼物
有一个人很吝啬并且思想狭隘，他经常为一些琐事发火。
一天，他突然犯了心脏病，于是他起了轻生的念头。那天，他为了寻找一个自杀的机会，就借口出去散散心，与妻子一起外出。
当他们来到一条河边时，他趁妻子不注意，脱下衣服，然后跳入河中。
他立刻又从水中探出头冲他妻子喊：“别了！亲爱的！别忘了把我的衣服带回家。”岸上的游客看到这一幕，都去找人救他。
但他妻子急忙制止说：“你们不用救他，我能让他自己上岸。”正说着，她从丈夫的衣服里拿出钱包，扔进了河里。
那个正在自杀的男人立刻抓住了他的钱包，然后迅速向岸边游来。他非常气愤地冲到妻子面前，大吼道：“你疯了吗？去见上帝不用带礼物的。”
22 Women
If you kiss her，you are not a gentleman
If you don’t，you are not a man
If you praise her，she thinks you are lying
If you don’t，you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes，she is abusing
If you don’t，you are not understanding
If you make romance，you are an"experenced man"
If you don’t，you are half a man
lf you visit her too often，she thinks it is boring
If you don’t，she accuses you of double crossing
If you are well dressed，she says you are a playboy
If you don’t，you are a dull boy
If you are jealous，she says it’s bad
If you don’t，she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance，she says you didn’t respect her
If you don’t，she thinks you do not like her
It you are a minute late，she complains it’s hard to wait
If she is late，she says that’s a girl’s way
If you visit another，she accuses you of being a heel
If she is visited by another，"Oh it’s natural，we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while，she professes you are cold
If you kiss her to many，she yells that you are taking advantage
If you fail to help her in crossing the street，you lack ethics
If you do，she thinks it’s just one of the man’s tactics
If you stare at others，she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by others，she says that they are just admiring
If you talk，she wants you to listen
If you listen，she wants you to talk
Oh God！You created those creature called"WOMAN"
So simple，yet so complex
So weak，yet so powerful
So confusing，yet so desirable
"O LORD，tell me what to do.AMEN"
女人
亲吻不是君子
不吻不是汉子
夸赞视作谎言
不夸视作傻蛋
依她就会耍性
不依不解风情
浪漫不是处子
呆板不是男子
常见变得乏味
少见被指虚伪
打扮就是花心
邋遢就是无心
吃醋不够大方
不吃怀疑不爱
求欢意味失礼
老实没有爱意
迟到抱怨难等
等待女孩应该
访友被指乱混
女孩聚会自然
少吻责怪冷漠
多吻大叫色狼
忽视过街缺德
照顾只是计策
盯人被指放浪
瞧她就是欣赏
说话时应倾听
倾听时应说话
哦上帝！你造出了“女人”
如此简单又如此复杂
如此弱小又如此强大
如此费解又如此心仪
“哦主啊，我该怎么办？阿门”
23 The perfect husband
There are sevenral men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.Suddenly a mobile telephone that is on one of the benches rings.A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues.
"Hello？"
"Honey，it’s me.Are you at the club？"
"Yes."
"Great！I am at the mall two blooks from where you are.I saw a beautiful mink coat...it is absolutely gorgeous！！Can I bay it？"
"What’s the price？"
"Only $2500."
"Well，OK，go ahead and get it，if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2015 models.I saw one I really liked.I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you？"
"Only $60 000..."
"OK，but for that price I want it with all the potions."
"Great！Before we hang up，something else..."
"What？"
"It might look like a lot，but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year.It’s on sale！！Remember？The one with a pool，English Garden，acre of park area，beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking？"
"Only $500 000...a magnificent price，and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well，then go ahead and buy it，but just bid $420 000.OK？"
"OK，sweetie...Thanks！I’ll see you later！！I love you！！！"
"Bye...I do too..."
The man hangs up，closes the phone’s flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present，"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to？"
完美丈夫
几个男人在一家私人俱乐部健身锻炼之后，正在更衣室里换衣服。突然，长凳上的一部移动电话响了起来。一个人接起电话，就产生了下面的一系列对话：
“你好？”
“亲爱的，是我。你还在俱乐部吗？”
“是的。”
“太好啦！我就在离你两个街区的商场呢。我看中了一件特别漂亮的貂皮大衣……它看起来华丽至极，我可以买下来吗？”
“多少钱啊？”
“只要2 500美元。”
“好吧，既然你那么喜欢就买吧。”
“嗯，我还在梅赛德斯。奔驰代理店里看见了2015年的新款。我看中了一个特别喜欢的车型。我跟售货员聊了一会儿，他给了我一个很公道的价格……再说，去年的宝马车我们也该换换了。”
“那他告诉你多少钱啊？”
“只要6万美元……”
“好吧，不过鉴于那么高的价格，我希望它的功能很齐全了。”