第2章 极品醉爱(2)

“那我看起来像什么呢？”这位女士害羞地问道。

“你看起来像个老绅士。”

14 Notes

A friend was going into hospital for an operation so she spent the morning writing short notes which she left round the house for her husband to find.One note on the kitchen door said，"Eat three times a day."Another note on the bedside table wished him pleasant dreams.A third note on the side of the bath read，"Please clean me after use."Every room had a message of some sort but the funniest of all was pinned to his best suit in the wardrobe.It said，"Just where do you think you’re going tonight to need this？"

便条

一个朋友打算去医院做手术，于是她花了一早上的时间写了些便条，并把它们放在了家里的各个地方，以便她的丈夫可以找到。在厨房的门上有一张便条写道：“一天吃三顿饭。”

床头桌子旁的便条是希望他做好梦。

浴缸旁的便条写着：“用完后将我洗干净。”每个房间都有各种提示，而最有意思的是，衣橱里，她丈夫最好的那身衣服上贴着的便条写道：“今晚你需要穿它去什么地方？”

15 Who’s in Heaven

An olderly gentleman had passed away.His grief‐stricken widow missed him so much that she could not sleep a wink for days.

On one sleepless night，she heard a voice and immediately inquired，"Is that you，dear？"

"Yes，it’s me."

"How are you doing？"

"I’m fine."

The concerned wife inquired further，"Are you happy now？"

"Yes，I’m happy now."

"Are you happier now than when you were with me？"

"Yes，much happier."

Assuming that her husband was enjoying the heavenly bliss，with curiosity in her voice，the lady asked，"Tell me dear，what’s heaven like？"

"Who’s in heaven？"

谁在天堂

一位老人去世了，他妻子很想念他，伤心不已，夜不能寐。

又是一个不眠之夜，妻子听到有什么声音，便立即问道：“是你吗，亲爱的？”

“是的，是我。”

“你现在过得好吗？”

“我过得很好。”

妻子又关切地问道：“你现在幸福吗？”

“嗯，挺幸福的。”

“比我们在一起时还幸福吗？”

“是的，幸福多了。”

得知丈夫在天堂很快乐，妻子又好奇地问道：“亲爱的，跟我说说，天堂什么样啊？”

“谁在天堂啊？”

16 Flatterer

Some people grow old gracefully，while others fight and scratch the way.

Mabel，a friend of mine，refusing to give in to the looks of growing old，goes out and buys a new line of expensive guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the"miracle"products，she asks her husband，"Darling，honestly，if you didn’t know me，what age would you say I am？"

Looking over her carefully，he replied，"Judging from your skin，twenty；your hair，eighteen；and your body，twenty five."

"Oh，you flatterer！"She gushed.Just as she was about to tell him his reward，he stops her saying.

"Wow，hold on there sweety！"he interrupted，"I haven’t added them up yet！"

马屁精

有些人优雅地变老，还有一些人为变老而挣扎、抓狂。

梅布尔是我的朋友，她拒绝变老的容颜，就出门买了一套新出的化妆品，可不便宜，但能让她看起来年轻很多岁。

梅布尔在镜子前涂抹这个“神奇”化妆品涂了很久，她问老公：“亲爱的，老实说，如果你不认识我，你觉得我有多大啊？”

梅布尔的老公仔细看了看，回答：“看皮肤是二十，看头发是十八，看身材是二十五。”

“哦，你这个马屁精！”梅布尔脱口而出。正当梅布尔准备告诉老公得到什么奖励时，老公没有让她说下去。

“哇，亲爱的，等会！”他说，“我还没有加起来呢！”

17 Knocked the Door

Mr.and Mrs.John lived in a small house near London with their child.Sometimes Mr.John came back from work very late，when his wife and child were asleep，he opened the front door of his house with the key and came in very quietly.

But one night he came home late and lost his key，so when he reached his house，he rang the bell.Nothing happened.He rang it again.Again nothing happened-nobody moved inside the house.Mr.John knocked at the bedroom window and shouted，but his wife didn’t wake up.At last he stopped and thought for a few seconds.Then he began to speak like a little child，"Mama，I wanna pee."He spoke in a low voice but at once Mrs.John woke up.

叫门

约翰夫妇和孩子住在伦敦附近的一座小房子里。有时，约翰先生很晚才下班回家。当妻子和孩子已经睡着时，他就用钥匙打开前门，轻轻走进屋里。

但有一天夜里，他很晚才回家，钥匙也丢了，所以，到家门口时，他只好按门铃。没有动静。他又按了一次门铃。还是没有动静--屋里没有人动。约翰先生敲了敲卧室窗户，大声喊叫，但他的妻子还是没有醒。最后，他停下来想了一会儿，然后像小孩子那样说道：“妈妈，我要尿尿。”他说话声很低，但约翰太太马上就醒了。

18 Jimmy and Linda

Jimmy and Linda are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night，and Linda’s in the bathroom，as Jimmy’s getting undressed he says to himself，"How am I going to tell her？How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world’s smelliest feet？"Then he throws his socks under the bed.

Linda walks out of the bathroom，and，too chicken to face her，Jimmy runs past her and he goes into the bathroom.Linda sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself，"How am I going to tell him？How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world’s worst breath？I’ve got to tell him."Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom.

Linda runs up to him，gives him a huge wet kiss，pulls back and says，"Honey，I’ve got to tell you something."Jimmy says.

"Yeah，I know.You just ate my socks."

吉米和琳达

吉米和琳达在他们的新婚之夜住进了蜜月套房，琳达正在浴室里。吉米一边脱衣服一边自言自语：“我该怎样告诉她呢？我该怎样告诉我的新婚妻子我有世界上最臭的脚呢？”于是他把他的袜子扔到了床底。

琳达从浴室里走了出来，吉米因为太不好意思面对她，赶紧从她身边跑过去，进了浴室。琳达坐在床边自言自语：“我该怎样告诉他呢？我该怎样告诉我的新婚丈夫我有世界上最臭的嘴呢？我一定得告诉他。”

正在这时吉米从浴室里走了出来。琳达朝他跑了过去，给了他一个长长的热吻，把他拉回床边说道：“亲爱的，我一定要告诉你一件事。”吉米答道：“啊，我知道了，你刚才吃了我的袜子。”

19 Give up Smoking

Lucy looked at her husband scornfully and said，"Didn’t your doctor tell you to give up smoking？"

"He did，"answered Dick who seemed to be ashamed of himself，"and..."

"And yet you insist on smoking like a chimney，"continued Lucy，"you smoke at least 40 cigarettes a day！"

"Er...well，"answered Dick who seemed under his wife’s thumb，"I suppose I’d better cut it down for a time.I don’t think I could actually do without a cigarette all day long."

"And where is your strong willpower？"asked Lucy，"You should break the habit at once！"

Dick had always been as meek as a mouse but this time he felt he could not give way.

"You could think as you like，darling，but I just can’t do it."

"What？Can’t do it？"exclaimed Lucy，"Look at your friend Bill！He’s given up smoking successfully over ten times！"

戒烟

露茜轻蔑地看着丈夫说：“医生不是让你戒烟吗？”

“是的，”迪克难为情地说，“可是……”

“可你还是像烟囱似的抽个不停。”露茜继续说道，“你一天至少抽四十支烟！”

“呃……噢，”好像有“妻管严”的迪克回答说，“我想我最好一次减少一点。我想整天不抽我可受不了。”

“你的坚强毅力到哪里去了？”露茜问，“你应该马上改掉这个习惯！”

迪克总是言听计从，但这次他觉得不能让步。

“亲爱的，你爱怎么想就怎么想，可我真的做不到。”

“什么？做不到？”露茜大声喊道，“瞧瞧你的朋友比尔，他已经成功地戒了十多次了！”

20 It’s Rather Unusual

A honeymoon couple checked into the Watergate Hotel in Washington，D.C.

That night，as the husband was about to turn off the light，his bride asked，"Do you think this room is bugged？"

"That was a long time ago，sweetheart."he reassured her.