第1章 极品醉爱(1)

1 Marry Penguin

A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate."I want a companion who is small and cute，loves water sports and enjoys group activities."

Back came the answer，"Marry penguin."

娶企鹅

一个单身汉想在电脑上找一个完美伴侣。“我要找一个娇小可爱、喜欢水上运动和集体活动的伴侣。”

回答是：“娶企鹅。”

2 Reason

The couple I know were discussing their wallpaper，which had just been hung.William was annoyed at Mary’s indifference to what he felt was a poor job."The problem is that I’m a perfectionist and you’re not."he finally said to her.

"Exactly！"she replied，"That’s why you married me and I married you！"

原因

我认识的一对夫妻正在讨论刚刚挂上的壁纸。威廉觉得壁纸挂得不好，玛丽却漠不关心，威尔对此感到气恼。“问题就是我是个完美主义者，而你不是。”他最后对她说。

“说得对！”她答道，“这就是你娶了我，我嫁给你的原因！”

3 I Don’t Know Her

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench，passionately kissing.

"Why don’t you do that？"said the wife.

"Honey，"replied her husband，"I don’t even know that woman！"

我还不认识她呢

一对夫妇在公园里散步，发现一对年轻的男女坐在一条长凳上，动情地接吻。

“你为什么不那么做呢？”妻子说。

“亲爱的，”丈夫回答说，“我还不认识那个女人呢！”

4 My Husband

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang，and was back in a few seconds.

"Who was it？"he asked.

"My husband."she replied.

"I better be going."he said，"Where was he？"

"Relax.He’s downtown playing poker with you."

我丈夫

电话铃响时，她留他一个人坐在沙发上，不一会儿又回到了他身边。

“是谁？”他问。

“我的丈夫。”她答道。

“我最好还是走吧。”他说，“他在哪里？”

“放松，他正在闹市区和你打扑克呢。”

5 The Poor Husband

"You can’t imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife."the man complained to his friend，"She asks me a question，then answers it herself，and after that she explains to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong."

可怜的丈夫

“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道有多么难。”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”

6 You’ve Already Heard It

Arriving at home，I was about to show my husband my newly done hair.Hearing my footsteps，he called out，"I’m going to tell you a joke that’s going to make your hair curl."

He turned around，took a look at me and added，"Oh，you’ve already heard it."

你已经听过了

回到家，我打算给丈夫看我新做的头发。听到我的脚步声，丈夫喊道：“给你讲个笑话，它会让你笑得头发卷起来。”

他转过身，看了我一眼，补充道：“哦，原来你已经听过了。”

7 Send for the Fire Brigade

One’s wife could not read the thermometer，but she took her husband’s temperature with it and gave a call to the doctor，"Dear doctor，please come at once. My husband’s temperature is 53."

The doctor replied，"Dear madam，I can do nothing.Send for the fire brigade."

叫消防队

一个人的妻子不会看体温计。她用体温计给丈夫量过体温后，给医生打了个电话：“尊敬的医生，请马上来吧。我丈夫的体温到了五十三度。”

医生回答说：“亲爱的夫人，我无能为力，快去叫消防队吧。”

8 Who Is This Speaking

She answered the phone to hear a repentant voice."I’m sorry，darling，"he said，"I have thought things over and you can have the Rolls‐Royce as a wedding present，we will move to the Gold Coast，and your mother can stay with us.Now will you marry me？"

"Of course I will."she said，"And who is this speaking？"

你是谁

她接电话时听到一个忏悔的声音说：“对不起，亲爱的，我已经想过了，你可以拥有劳斯莱斯作为结婚礼物，我们将搬到黄金海岸，你母亲可以和我们一块儿住。现在你愿意嫁给我吗？”

“我当然愿意，”她说，“可你是谁呀？”

9 Want Her to Go Nuts

Mrs.Henry decided to have her portrait painted.She told the artist，"Paint me with diamond earrings，a diamond necklace，emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."

"But you’re not wearing any of those things."

"I know，"said Mrs.Henry，"It’s in case I should die before my husband.I’m sure he’d remarry right away，and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

我要让她发疯

亨利夫人想让人给她画幅肖像画。她告诉那位画家说：“把我画成戴着钻石耳环、钻石项链、祖母绿手镯还有红宝石垂饰的样子。”

“可这些东西您一样也没戴啊。”

“我知道，”亨利夫人说，“我是想着万一我比我丈夫先死去，他肯定会很快再婚。我要让那个女人为寻找这些珠宝而发疯。”

10 Domestic Thief

"Well，my dear，"he said，as he was dressing，"I suppose you were right when you told me last night that there was a burglar in the house."

"Why？"

"Because all the money that was in my pockets when I went to bed is gone."

"Well，if you’d been brave and got up to shoot the wretch，you’d have had your money this morning."

"Possibly，but then I would have been a widower."

She gave him back half the money.

家贼

“哦，亲爱的，”男人穿衣服的时候说，“我想你昨晚告诉我说屋里有个贼是对的。”

“为什么？”

“因为我昨天上床睡觉的时候还在我口袋里的钱现在全都不见了。”

“呃，如果你勇敢点并且起来向那个卑鄙的人开枪的话，你今天早上就能拿回你的钱。”

“也许吧，但是我就会成为一名鳏夫了。”

她把一半的钱还给了他。

11 It Was Too Late

Although I had never met him，I knew that my grandfather had been five feet and five inches tall，while my stately grandmother stood five feet and eleven inches.As a teenager leafing through old photographs with grandma，I finally realized how unusual they must have looked together.

"Grandma，"I asked，"how could you have fallen in love with a man six inches shorter than you？"

She turned to me."Honey，"she said，"we fell in love sitting down，and when I stood up，it was late."

为时已晚

尽管我未见过祖父，不过我知道他身高只有五英尺五英寸，而我高贵典雅的祖母身高却有五英尺十一英寸。我十几岁的时候，和祖母一起翻看着老照片，我觉得他们在一起看起来很别扭。

“奶奶，”我问道，“你怎么会爱上一个比你矮六英寸的人呢？”

她转向我说道：“宝贝，我们相爱的时候是坐着的，而当我站起来的时候，已经晚了。”

12 Questions and Answer

1.If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door，whom do you let in first？The dog of course，at least he’ll shut up after you let him in！

2.What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband？

About 20 pounds.

3.How do most men define marriage？

A very expensive way to get your laundry done.

4.What’s the difference between marriage and death？

Dead people are free.

巧问妙答

1.如果你的狗正在后门叫，而你妻子正在前门吵，你先给谁开门？

当然先给狗开门，至少你让它进来后，它就闭嘴了。

2.男朋友和丈夫有什么差别？

大概相差二十磅。

3.大多数男人怎么定义婚姻？

一种价格昂贵的洗衣方法。

4.婚姻和死亡有什么差别？

死人是自由的。

13 You Look Like An Old Gentleman

I think women’s role will always be accentuated if they adorn life with their beautiful hairdos.

"I no longer look like an old lady."said Sophia to her husband now busy solving a cross‐word puzzle by the fire.

She had just been to her hairdresser and looked quite a different person.

The fellow lifted his head and muttered under his breath：

"That’s quite time，darling.You don’t look like an old lady at all."

"And what do I look like？"insisted the lady blushing prettily.

"You look like an old gentleman."

你看起来像个老绅士

我认为女性如果用漂亮的发型来装点生活，她们的性别会更突出。

“我看起来不再像个老太太了。”索菲亚对她正在火炉前玩填字游戏的丈夫说。

她刚去过美发店，现在看起来完全像变了一个人。

那个老家伙抬起头嘟囔着说：

“一点儿不错，亲爱的，你看起来一点都不像个老妇人。”