第10章 A Little Piece of Me

When he told me he was leaving,I felt like a vase which has just smashed.There were pieces of me all over the tidy floor.He kept talking,telling me why he was leaving,explaining it was for the best.I could do better.It was his fault and not mine.I had heard it before many times and yet somehow was still not immune;perhaps one did not become immune to such felony.

He left and I tried to get on with my life.I filled the kettle and put it on to boil.I took out my old red mug and filled it with coffee,watching as each coffee granule slipped into the china.That was what my life had been like,endless coffee granules,somehow never managing to make that cup of coffee.

Somehow when the kettle piped its finishing warning I pretended not to hear it.That's what Mike's leaving had been like,sudden and with an awful finality.I would rather just wallow in uncertainty than have things finished.I laughed at myself.Imagine getting philosophical and sentimental about a mug of coffee.I must be getting old.

And yet it was a young woman who stared back at me from the mirror.A young woman full of hope,a young woman with bright eyes and full lips,just waiting to take on the world.I never loved Mike anyway.Besides,there are more important things.More important than love,I insist to myself firmly.The lid goes back on the coffee just like closure on the whole Mike experience.

He doesn't haunt my dreams as I feared that night.Instead I am flying far across fields and woods,looking down on those below me.Suddenly I fall to the ground and it is only when I wake up that I realize I was shot by a hunter,brought down by the burden of not the bullet but the soul of the man who shot it.I realize later,with some degree of understanding,that Mike was the hunter holding me down and I am the bird that longs to fly.The next night my dream is similar to the previous night's,but without the hunter.I fly free until I meet another bird who flies with me in perfect harmony.I realize with some relief that there is a bird out there for me,and there is another person,not necessarily a lover perhaps just a friend,but there is someone out there who is my soul mate.

I think about being a broken vase again and realize that I have glued myself back together.What Mike has is merely a little part of my time,a little understanding of my physical being.He has only a little piece of me.

我生命历程的一段记忆

他告诉我他要离开时，我就像只刚摔碎的花瓶，支离破碎的我散落在洁净的地面上。他不停地劝说着，告诉我他离开的原因，解释说这会是最好的结局。我本可以表现得更好些，毕竟，错在他不在我。这些话我已经听了很多次了，但莫名其妙的是，我仍不能冷静面对；或许如此痛苦，谁都无法冷静面对。

他走了，而我要尽力把自己的生活支撑下去。我把水壶灌满并打开火烧水。我取出那只红色的旧杯子，倒满咖啡，注视着每一粒咖啡滑落进陶瓷杯内。我的生活就如同这咖啡，一粒又一粒的咖啡却怎么也冲泡不成一杯咖啡。

不知何故，水壶尖厉地发出警报声，我假装没有听到。这就是迈克离开的情形，那么突然，带着极度的痛苦。我宁愿陷入将信将疑之中，也不愿将事情做一了结。我嘲笑自己，我对一杯咖啡的遐想竟然理性而感伤，我一定是老了。

然而，的确有一个女人从镜子里注视着我。一个满怀希望的青年女子，双眸闪烁，嘴唇丰盈，蠢蠢欲动正准备驾驭这个世界。毕竟，我从未爱过迈克。而且，还有其他更重要的事情，比爱情更重要，我向自己强调着。杯盖回到咖啡杯上，好似给了迈克这段经历一个终结。

那天晚上，他并没有像我担心的那样萦绕在我的梦里。相反，我飞得很远，飞过片片田野和丛林，俯瞰身下的一切。突然，我掉在地面上。就在我醒来的那一刻，我发觉我被猎人射中，击倒我的不是子弹，而是射出子弹的那个人的灵魂。随即，我带着几分醒悟，意识到，迈克正是那个掠我下来的猎人，而我就是那只渴望飞翔的鸟。第二天晚上，我的梦与前夜的梦差不多，但没有猎人出现。我自由飞翔，直至遇到另一只鸟，它与我飞得是那样和谐平静。我稍稍释然，毕竟有只鸟为我出现在梦里，会有另一个人，不见得是情人，或许仅仅是朋友，但会有某个人在那里成为我灵魂的伴侣。

我又一次想象自己成了一只碎花瓶，感觉到我已把自己黏合完整。迈克呢，只是我生命的一小段历程，是我对自己的一点认识。他占据的只是我生命的一小段记忆。