推荐序一

Parenting at a time of massive changes becomes even more important than ever before. But what is good parenting at this time in history. The author has a keen understanding of parenting in our present stage of development. You will notice that the first focus is on the parents themselves. How will they manage their attitudes, their feelings, their expectations and their perceptions is a major pre-requisite of being a good parent. Modelling kindness, acceptance, appreciation and responsibility is part of being a modern day successful parent.

Moving from only complaining, judging, criticizing to accepting everything without boundaries has not worked either. One needs to accept the child, the being part, and help the child on the doing part. For example,“I love you but I don’t like what you are doing”is an excellent approach in parenting.

The book has so many valuable insights on how to be a great parent starting with oneself, then building a positive, caring relationship and finally guiding the child by example.

If possible stop comparing your child negatively with other children. That creates a symptom of never being good enough. Don’t make your child the victim of perfectionism! What a great chapter. Please also notice the importance of trying beyond the edge of comfort without making the goal an impossibility.

All in all the book is excellent and very timely including how to prepare the first child for arrival of the second child now that parents are allowed to have a second child. I wish you happy and successful parenting.

Top international master of the Satir Model

Founder of the Satir Institute of the Pacific

Director of the International Family Therapy Association

Honorary consultant of the Satir Institute of China

Co-author of The Satir Model and Beyond

Visiting Professor of Beijing Normal University

John Banmen

译文：

在这个瞬息万变的时代，父母如何教养孩子变得比以前任何时候都更为重要。那么在这一历史时期，什么才算是好的教养方式呢？作者对于当前的教养问题有着敏锐的洞察力，她把焦点放在父母身上，而不是孩子身上。父母如何正确看待自己的教养态度、情感、期待和观念，是成为好父母的首要条件。和善、接纳、赏识和责任是当今社会成功父母的几大特质。

从简单的抱怨、评判、指责孩子，到毫无原则地纵容孩子，这些方法都无法真正地培养出优秀的孩子。父母需要接纳孩子的生命本身，但要帮助孩子约束自己的不当行为。例如“我爱你，但我不喜欢你做事的方式”，就是一种很棒的教养方式。

本书提出了极有价值的观点，即要想成为优秀的父母，首先要做好自己，然后再跟孩子建立积极、亲密的亲子关系，并以身作则地去引领孩子的成长。

请不要拿自己的孩子跟其他的孩子做比较，那样会让自己的孩子失去自信。“别让你的完美主义害了孩子”，多么棒的一章内容！作者还提醒家长，应该让孩子了解超出行为边界所带来的后果，这一点很重要。

总之，本书的内容非常出色。此外，考虑到中国的两孩家庭越来越多，在本书的最后，作者还及时地分析了如何让大宝接受二宝的问题，能够为父母提供行之有效的指导。希望你们都能成为快乐、优秀的父母！

国际顶尖萨提亚模式治疗大师

太平洋国际萨提亚学院创办人

国际家庭治疗联合会董事

贝曼萨提亚中国管理中心主席

《萨提亚的家庭治疗模式》合著者

北京师范大学客座教授

约翰·贝曼

2016年5月