第3章 Anecdote of the Duke of Newcastle 纽卡斯尔公爵轶事

A laughable story was circulated during the administration of the old Duke of Newcastle, and retailed to the public in various forms. This nobleman, with many good points, was remarkable for being profuse of his promises on all occasions, and valued himself particularly on being able to anticipate the words or the wants of the various persons who attended his levees, before they uttered a word. This sometimes led him into ridiculous embarrassment; and it was this proneness to lavish promises, which gave occasion for the following anecdote:

At the election of a certain borough in Cornwall, where the opposite interests were almost equally poised, a single vote was of the highest importance. This object the Duke, by well applied argument and personal application, at length attained; and the gentleman he recommended, gained the election. In the warmth of gratitude, his grace poured forth acknowledgments and promises without ceasing, on the fortunate possessor of the casting vote; called him his best and dearest friend; protested, that he should consider himself as forever indebted to him; and that he would serve him by night or by day.

The Cornish voter, who was an honest fellow, and would not have thought himself entitled to any reward, but for such a torrent of acknowledgments, thanked the Duke for his kindness, and told him the supervisor of excise was old and infirm, and, if he would have the goodness to recommend his son-in-law to the commissioners, in case of the old man's death, he should think himself and his family bound to render his grace every assistance in their power, on any future occasion.

"My dear friend, why do you ask for such a trifling employment? " exclaimed his grace;"your relative shall have it the moment the place is vacant, if you will but call my attention to it."

"But how shall I get admitted to you, my lord? For in London, I understand, it is a very difficult business to get a sight of you great folks, though you are so kind and complaisant to us in the country."

"The instant the man dies, " replied the Duke, "set out posthaste for London; drive directly to my house, and, be it by night or by day, thunder at the door; I will leave word with my porter to show you upstairs directly; and the employment shall be disposed of according to your wishes."

The parties separated; the Duke drove to a friend's house in the neighborhood, without a wish or desire to see his new acquaintance till that day seven years; but the memory of the Cornish elector, not being burdened with such a variety of objects, was more retentive. The supervisor died a few months after, and the Duke's humble friend, relying on the word of a peer, was conveyed to London posthaste, and ascended with alacrity the steps of that nobleman's palace.

The reader should be informed, that just at this time, no less a person than the King of Spain was expected hourly to depart this life, an event in which the minister of Great Britain was particularly concerned; and the Duke of Newcastle, on the very night that the proprietor of the decisive vote arrived at his door, had sat up anxiously expecting dispatches from Madrid. Wearied by official business and agitated spirits, he retired to rest,having previously given particular instructions to his porter not to go to bed, as he expected every minute a messenger with advices of the greatest importance, and desired that he might be shown upstairs, the moment of his arrival.

His grace was sound asleep; and the porter, settled for the night in his armchair, had already commenced a sonorous nap, when the vigorous arm of the Cornish voter roused him from his slumbers. To his first question, "Is the Duke at home? " the porter replied,"Yes, and in bed; but has left particular orders that, come when you will, you are to go up to him directly."

"Bless him, for a worthy and honest gentleman, " cried our applicant for the vacant post, smiling and nodding with approbation at the prime minister's kindness, "how punctual his grace is; I knew he would not deceive me; let me hear no more of lords and dukes not keeping their words; I verily believe they are as honest, and mean as well as any other folks." Having ascended the stairs as he was speaking, he was ushered into the Duke's bedchamber."Is he dead? " exclaimed his grace,rubbing his eyes, and scarcely awakened from dreaming of the King of Spain, "Is he dead? "

"Yes, my lord, " replied the eager expectant, delighted to find the election promise, with all its circumstances, so fresh in the nobleman's memory.

"When did he die? "

"The day before yesterday, exactly at half past one o'clock, after being confined three weeks to his bed,and taking a power of doctor's stuff;and I hope your grace will be as good as your word, and let my son-in-law succeed him."

The Duke, by this time perfectly awake, was staggered at the impossibility of receiving intelligence from Madrid in so short a space of time; and perplexed at the absurdity of a king's messenger applying for his son-in-law to succeed the King of Spain: "Is the man drunk, or mad? Where are your dispatches? " exclaimed his grace, hastily drawing back his curtain; where, instead of a royal courier, he recognized at the bedside, the fat, good-humored countenance of his friend from Cornwall, making low bows, with hat in hand, and "hoping my lord would not forget the gracious promise he was so good as to make, in favor of his son-in-law, at the last election."

Vexed at so untimely a disturbance, and disappointed of news from Spain, the Duke frowned for a moment; but chagrin soon gave way to mirth, at so singular and ridiculous a combination of circumstances, and, yielding to the impulse, he sunk upon the bed in a violent fit of laughter, which was communicated in a moment to the attendants.

The relater of this little narrative, concludes, with observing, "Although the Duke of Newcastle could not place the relative of his old acquaintance on the throne of His Catholic Majesty, he advanced him to a post not less honorable—he made him an exciseman."

Blackwood's Magazine.

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在老纽卡斯尔公爵统治时期，民间流传着许多关于他的有趣故事。公爵拥有众多优点，其中最为人们赞赏的一条是，他天性慷慨，有求必应。公爵尤其感到自豪的是，受到他召见的人（无论谁）无须开口，他就能准确地说出他们的愿望或要求。但这种机敏有时也会让他陷于尴尬或可笑的境地。正是由于他这种慨然许诺的习惯，才有了下面我们要讲的故事。

一次，康沃尔郡的一个区进行选举。该区对立的两派势均力敌，往往一张选票就足以决定鹿死谁手。公爵充分利用了自己雄辩的口才，向选民们提出恳切的呼吁，最终帮助自己推荐的绅士赢得了选举。在这里我们无法用语言来形容公爵阁下对投下最后关键一票的选民有多么感激。总之，公爵的道谢和许诺简直没有止境。公爵称这个幸运的投票者为自己最亲密和宝贵的朋友。公爵声称，他永远欠这位好朋友一份情，无论什么时候，他都愿意为自己的朋友提供帮助。

康沃尔的这位选民是个老实人，并不奢望从公爵那里得到什么好处。但公爵的诚意容不得他怀疑，在感谢公爵的慷慨和好意之余，这位老实人告诉公爵，当地的税务官年老多病，一旦这位老人去世，他希望公爵说服镇长让他的女婿填补这个空缺。如果这事能办成，他们一家都会记得公爵的大恩，并愿意在任何时候为他效力。

“我亲爱的朋友，为什么你只要求这样一个卑微的职位呢？”公爵惊呼道，“一旦你发现这一职位空缺，请马上告知我，你的女婿立刻就能得到那个职位。”

“但我怎样才能见到您呢，尊敬的大人？虽然您在乡下是如此和善和亲切，但据我所知，在伦敦，要想和您这样的大人物见一面并非易事。”

“一旦那位老人去世，”公爵答道，“你就立刻赶往伦敦，无论何时，都可以直接敲我家的大门。我会预先叮嘱看门人，让他直接把你引到楼上。我将按你的意愿，给你女婿安排职位。”

做出这番郑重承诺之后，公爵与他的选民朋友友好道别。公爵随后拜访了他住在附近的一个朋友，很快就将他的新朋友抛到了脑后。公爵或许没有想到，这位朋友有一天真的会找上门来。但那位康沃尔郡的选民可不像公爵那样事务繁杂，他一直把公爵的话记在心里。几个月后，那名税务官真的去世了，康沃尔的老实人对贵族老爷的承诺深信不疑，立刻赶往伦敦，找到了公爵的宅邸，一个健步跨上了门口的台阶。

为了便于读者更好地理解随后发生的事情，有必要补充一点当时的历史背景：此时西班牙国王正重病缠身，随时可能去世，而世上没有人比英国的总理大臣更期待得到国王离世的消息了。在康沃尔选民动身来到伦敦的那天晚上，纽卡斯尔公爵一直在焦急地等待从马德里传来的快报。最终，繁重的公务和焦急的情绪让公爵疲惫不堪，他准备去休息。不过在这之前，他特别嘱咐门房不要睡觉，因为他预料信使随时都有可能送来最重要的信息，并且希望信使到达的时候，他能在楼上亲自接待。

公爵阁下很快就睡着了，而且睡得很香。门房舒适地将自己安顿在扶手椅中，开始发出响亮的鼾声。但康沃尔选民有力的敲门声把他惊醒了。

康沃尔选民问道：“请问公爵在家吗？”

看门人答道：“公爵已经睡了，但他特别嘱咐我，如果你到了，就把你直接引到楼上见他。”

“上帝保佑他！一位多么可敬和诚实的绅士啊！”康沃尔选民激动地喊道，总理大臣的善心和守信把他感动得无以复加，他时而点头，时而微笑。“大人的恩典是这样及时，我知道他言出必践。如果有人敢说贵族老爷说话不算数，我一定会赏他两记耳光。的确，他们的诚实不比任何人差。”康沃尔选民自说自话还没结束，就被领到公爵的卧室里。

“他死了吗？”公爵揉着眼睛，大声问道，他刚刚梦到西班牙国王死了，此刻还保存着梦中的印象。他又大声问了一遍：“他死了吗？”

“是的，大人。”康沃尔选民热切地答道。公爵大人公务缠身，居然还能清楚地记得自己的承诺，这让他感到惊喜。

“他是什么时候死的？”

“确切地说，是前天一点半钟，他卧病在床三个星期以后。他显然是服用了过量的药剂。我希望大人能实现诺言，让我的女婿接替他的职位。”

公爵此刻已完全清醒了，马德里这么快就传来了好消息，他感到不可思议。国王的信使居然为自己的女婿请求西班牙王位，这更让他困惑。公爵大声说道：“你是喝醉了，还是疯了？公文在哪里？”说着，他拉开窗帘，光线照在一张肥胖和善的脸上。公爵此刻才看清，站在床边的不是什么皇家信使，而是他新结识的康沃尔选民朋友。这位老实人摘下帽子，正向他深鞠躬，口中还念念有词：“大人一定不会忘记您在最后一次选举中许下的慷慨诺言。”

原来不是西班牙的消息，公爵皱了皱眉，康沃尔选民不合时宜的到访让他有些恼火。但此情此景是如此荒谬和有趣，公爵很快就转变了心情，他躺倒在床上，笑得停不下来，就连一旁的看门人也忍不住笑出声来。

按照叙述者的说法，最后的结局十分圆满：虽然纽卡斯尔公爵没能让他朋友的亲戚成为西班牙国王，但仍然为他安排了一个较为体面的职位——他让这位亲戚当上了税务官。

选自《黒木》杂志