第十五类 朋友

01 What are some ways to make new friends?

1.1 参加聚会

I come across many colorful experiences when I fill my Friday night with trips to multiple clubs, bars and house parties. By going out to parties on the weekend, I am exposed to new sorts of music, people and experiences. Many students who are normally busy with their study have opportunities to better their social skills and make friends at a party. My friend Jay and I first met at a friend's party. We were playing a game that required 4 people to compete. Pretty soon, we started to team up and crushed other players. After the game, we started to talk, found out we had a lot in common, and became good friends since then.

1.2 出去玩

The day-to-day school workload can sometimes seem unbearable. I often play outside with my friends to loosen up. One of the greatest feelings in playing outside is getting to hang out with friends. My friend Jay and I often play a pick-up( 5 on 5 ) basketball game at an open court. We communicate with our eyes and body movements. When he gives me a look on the court, I know exactly what he is planning. As there are always lots of other players there, we can take many moves from these people to expand our arsenal of tricks. No matter how awful we feel before the game, we feel refreshed after.

Joining an outdoor activity is a great way to connect with people. Many of our first friendships were formed through sports activities. That's how I met my friend Jay. We were on the same basketball team. One time, he was supposed to take the shot, as he is a much better shooter, but he passed the ball to me because I had an open look. His trust really boosted my confidence and I made the shot. In that game, we had each other's back and we worked together to win the game. After the game, we found out we had other common interests besides basketball. Since then, we have become really good friends.

02 What are the most important trait for a friend?

2.1 善良

A kind person can always make you feel better. When he or she senses you are in a bad mood, he or she will give you a sincere smile, a hug, or a pat on the shoulder, which all can immediately cheer you up. My friend Alice always goes out of her way to cheer up those who are in need. When I see the smile on these people's faces, my heart melts. One time, she saw an old man struggling with a heavy bag at the airport. Most people just walk by and make snide remarks about how people who are too old to carry their luggage should stay home. But my friend carried the bag to the cart for him. I was so touched by her action and that also encouraged me to be a kind person just like her.

2.2 欢快

It is a powerful emotion. A person in a good mood can often complete tasks and overcome obstacles in life much easier than a person who is depressed or sad. For example, we had a basketball game the other day, and I was the point guard. It was a championship game, and I was supposed to play well. But I was really in a bad mood, so I wasn't as sharp as I usually am. By the end of the first half, our team was 20 points behind. My best friend Jay came to me at halftime with his big smile. When I saw his smile, my stress started to release. He told me the shot I made a couple of minutes ago was really impressive. His smile and words really cheered me up. In the second half, I was able to bring my A-game and helped the team win in the end.

2.3 聪明

An intelligent friend is the best teacher. They give us good advice. As the saying goes, a friend in need is a friend indeed. For example, my best friend Jay is extremely intelligent, sociable, and resourceful. He always tells me what to do when I mess things up. There was this time when I got into trouble with my girlfriend. He encouraged me to apologize to my girlfriend and to put myself in her shoes. We got back together finally. This has turned me into a person with a whole different life perspective. Obviously, having an intelligent friend is helpful for one's self-improvement.

2.4 可靠

A friend who is truly reliable can be a friend for life. If you cannot trust a friend, the relationship won't last long. Lack of trust is a harmful attack to any relationship. I once shared one of my deepest secrets with my best friend. Unfortunately, this so called“best friend” quickly told another friend. Pretty soon, everybody in my school knew it. Years have passed, but the anger and shame I felt when my friend broke his promise of secrecy is still very real.

2.5 幽默

Humorous friends are our greatest assets. They make our life full of happiness and joy. They help me to release stress and to keep an optimistic attitude. My best friend Jay is a very funny guy. He is the kind of person who always makes me laugh. Sometimes he likes funny dances. I wasn't feeling great last summer. I was living in an awful apartment and struggling with school work. Then, Jay sent me a video of himself dancing to Gangnam Style. It was very hilarious seeing his weird moves. And at that moment, I forgot all the troubles in my real life.

Humorous communication boosts the emotional connection that will bring people closer together, and increase happiness, especially when my friends and I have disagreements. During difficult times in our rela-tionship, sharing heartfelt laughter will be enough to bridge the gap and fill the crack. When my best friend Jay and I have had arguments, he has been the one who always cracks some silly jokes. Then we would have a good laugh and enjoy the rest of the day. Humor is really the most powerful tool for managing conflicts and reducing tension.

03 Have you ever lost a friend? Why?

3.1 因为竞争而失去朋友

3.1.1 失去信任

Friends lose trust in each other when they have are exposed to situations of competition. For example, I experienced betrayal from one of my co-workers when I first started working in a company. Before we worked in the same position, we were good friends. Since my boss announced that whoever between us completed the project within a month, he would be promoted to a higher-level position. Of course, it was a competition between us. Naturally, both of us wanted to capture such a golden opportunity. As a result, he betrayed me and stepped on me for achieving a better position. From that experience, I always tell myself that I will not try to compete with my friends in the work place, because I have no desire to lose friendships with anybody again.

3.1.2 不愿分享

Competition leads people to have more self-attention, and to disregard giving and sharing. For instance, when I was in high school, my classmates and I had exams frequently. Because the teachers evaluated performance of students based on score percentage systems, everyone had to compete with others to get good grades. In fact, nobody wanted to share study materials with others. They even paid no attention to their friends who needed help with school work. So tension was accumulating in the class, and all of my classmates were drifting apart because of this terrible system.

3.1.3 竞争帮助走出舒适区域

It forces us to step out of our comfort zone. The great thing about having friends as your competitors is that you have to be more innovative. You have to think outside the box and go after new options in order to get ahead. When I was in high school, I was pretty good at Math. So was my friend Jay. We both wanted to prove that we were better than the other. So we would approach the question from other angles and come up with smarter ideas. Eventually, we both improved our math skills enormously. And we got much higher grades in school. If we gave up our competitive spirit, we wouldn't be as good as we are right now.

3.2 因为距离或搬到新城市并失去朋友

It's common knowledge that long-distance relationships are difficult and most likely doomed. Jay and I were best friends back in college in my hometown. We would go play basketball after school all the time. If we had time off during weekends, we would go to see a movie together or just grab a beer in a local bar. We hung out almost every day. Then, after graduation, we moved to different cities for work. We started getting busy, there was always an event to attend, and making time for each other was a constant battle of highly conflicting schedules. We realized long distance friendships are really hard to maintain under the crushing pace of life. Later, I found him on Facebook. Seeing his pictures posted with his new friends makes me realize that we are completely different people now.

People often move to different cities to go to their dream schools or pursue new careers. That doesn't mean the friendship has to end. Jay and I were best friends back in college in my hometown. Then I moved to a big city for work but he decided to stay. We were really busy with our work and life. However, we always squeezed in time to schedule video chats online. We used video chat to see each other's faces, show each other's apartments, and introduce each other's new friends into our life. I always sent him old-school letters and he sent me back gift cards. These all made me feel special and served as mementos of our friendship.

3.3 做了某件朋友不喜欢的事而失去朋友

That hurts my feelings. If my friend did something wrong and if it really hurt, I would choose to end the friendship. Back in high school, my most trusted friend lied to me. Everybody at school knew the truth except me. I still hung out with him. Then I found out his lies and I simply shut him out of my life. This was the first time I have ever chosen to stick to my guns because I realized how terrible I felt around him. I never turned back after that, because even if I could forgive him, I would never forget. Life is too short to worry about the people who don't matter.

04 How do you deal with conflicts of interests with friends?

4.1 选择一个合适的地方面对面交谈

I will choose face-to-face contact instead of having a conversation about the issue over text, messenger, email, or phone. It is the best approach to solving conflicts because it reduces the likelihood of miscommunication. You can't tell a person's tone or facial expression from a text message. Also, I will pick a private place like a small coffee shop where other people I know are not around. This way, my friend will feel comfortable and respected. Having a cup of coffee with my friend in a quiet and nice place really helps to resolve a conflict.

4.2 冷静

In a heated situation, it's easy to lash out at the person who offended me, which would cause me to say or do things I later regret. I would nicely remind my friend that maybe we should take some time to clear our heads. I would go for a walk and put on a headset with some light music to loosen up. Or take a warm bath with some candles to refresh me. Or maybe engage in an activity like running that provides an outlet for me to vent my frustrations. When I finally calmed down, I would be able to think the conflict through. So I can come up with better ways to solve it with my friend.

4.3 求同存异

Resolving a conflict should not be seen as a contest to see who was right or wrong. It is okay to agree to disagree, because no disagreement is worth losing a friend. When I see a conversation turning into a disagreement, I stop and remind myself that our friendship means more to me than the issue at hand. Jay and I have been friends for years. There was a time when we had a big argument about a sports game. I could feel the tension between us as we were arguing. So I stopped and held my breath for several seconds to make myself calm down. Then I realized he is way more important to me than the stupid sports game. So I agreed with his opinion. Over the years, we've disagreed on lots of topics, but we are still good friends.