Affirmative Conversations

A high school teacher affirms, “Samantha and Tamir, you’ve done an excellent job on your project! It’s clear you both put in a great deal of time, and you met the criteria for earning an A. I would like you to present your project to the class tomorrow.”

“Thanks,” said Samantha and Tamir in unison. “You helped us a lot; we could never have done such a good job without all your support,” added Tamir.

“Well, that’s what I’m here for,” the teacher replied. “All I did was give some suggestions and leads on where to look for things. You both did all the hard work and put it together in such a polished final product. You should be very proud of your work!”

What are you doing with your words?

This is one form of affirmative conversation. The tone augments positive emotions and good feelings, yet it is non-directional. The impact it has on the emotions can nonetheless inspire forward movement and motivate positive action. Another form of affirmative conversation is mutual advocacy: You share your ideas and others share theirs. Such conversations typically transition into one of the other types of conversations. If debate, criticism, and argument arise, you’ve moved into a destructive interaction. By contrast, a conversation worth having emerges if people in that conversation seem genuinely curious about one another’s points of view or how their ideas might come together. As soon as questions are asked that generate new knowledge or invite creativity, the interaction becomes a conversation worth having. Affirmative conversations center on the following:

•Genuine (mutual) admiration

•Acknowledgement

•Feedforward

•Motivation/encouragement

•Positive advocacy

The difference between a conversation worth having and an affirmative conversation is palpable. The latter, like the one Samantha and Tamir had with their teacher, simply feels good. It reinforces positive relationships and encourages excellence. Yet it lacks the vibrancy and dynamic energy of a conversation worth having. Engaging in affirmative conversations is important because they foster a climate that favors potential and creativity. On their own, however, these conversations are not sufficient to generate new knowledge or innovation.

Over time, engaging in affirmative conversations may be experienced simply as “being nice.” Without generative questions being asked, affirmative conversations can result in a friendly but superficial environment where no real learning and growth take place. We may like and appreciate one another after such conversations, but we really don’t achieve the same depth of relationship or find possibilities for the future that develop when we inquire deeply together.

Excessive or insincere affirmative conversations backfire. Inauthentic appreciation can create a toxic environment over time. These interactions may show up as “talking nice” to someone’s face while making negative comments behind their back, or using affirmation and praise to gain something of value only for oneself. Such expressions and manipulations become self-evident to everyone involved, except perhaps the person perpetrating them. Over time, these are experienced as destructive conversations.

Take a few minutes and think about times you have been engaged in each of these types of conversations in your personal and professional life. Where did your conversations take you (direction), and how did they feel (tone)? Those two questions are key indicators of the kind of conversation you are having. In the next chapter, as promised, we will introduce you to two simple AI practices that will allow you to intentionally fuel productive and meaningful engagement.