第66章 A FEW CRUSTED CHARACTERS(11)

"How's this,my man?You are in liquor.And so early,too.I'm ashamed of you!""Well,that's true,sir,"says Andrey."But I can walk straight enough for practical purposes.I can walk a chalk line,"he says (meaning no offence),"as well as some other folk:and--"(getting hotter)--"I reckon that if you,Pa'son Billy Toogood,had kept up a christening all night so thoroughly as I have done,you wouldn't be able to stand at all;d-me if you would!"'This answer made Pa'son Billy--as they used to call him--rather spitish,not to say hot,for he was a warm-tempered man if provoked,and he said,very decidedly:

"Well,I cannot marry you in this state;and I will not!Go home and get sober!'And he slapped the book together like a rat-trap.

'Then the bride burst out crying as if her heart would break,for very fear that she would lose Andrey after all her hard work to get him,and begged and implored the pa'son to go on with the ceremony.

But no.

"I won't be a party to your solemnizing matrimony with a tipsy man,"says Mr.Toogood."It is not right and decent.I am sorry for you,my young woman,but you'd better go home again.I wonder how you could think of bringing him here drunk like this!""But if--if he don't come drunk he won't come at all,sir!"she says,through her sobs.

"I can't help that,"says the pa'son;and plead as she might,it did not move him.Then she tried him another way.

"Well,then,if you'll go home,sir,and leave us here,and come back to the church in an hour or two,I'll undertake to say that he shall be as sober as a judge,"she cries."We'll bide here,with your permission;for if he once goes out of this here church unmarried,all Van Amburgh's horses won't drag him back again!""Very well,"says the parson."I'll give you two hours,and then I'll return.""And please,sir,lock the door,so that we can't escape!"says she.

"Yes,"says the parson.

"And let nobody know that we are here."

'The pa'son then took off his clane white surplice,and went away;and the others consulted upon the best means for keeping the matter a secret,which it was not a very hard thing to do,the place being so lonely,and the hour so early.The witnesses,Andrey's brother and brother's wife,neither one o'which cared about Andrey's marrying Jane,and had come rather against their will,said they couldn't wait two hours in that hole of a place,wishing to get home to Longpuddle before dinner-time.They were altogether so crusty that the clerk said there was no difficulty in their doing as they wished.They could go home as if their brother's wedding had actually taken place and the married couple had gone onward for their day's pleasure jaunt to Port Bredy as intended,he,the clerk,and any casual passer-by would act as witnesses when the pa'son came back.

'This was agreed to,and away Andrey's relations went,nothing loath,and the clerk shut the church door and prepared to lock in the couple.The bride went up and whispered to him,with her eyes a-streaming still.

"My dear good clerk,"she says,"if we bide here in the church,folk may see us through the winders,and find out what has happened;and 'twould cause such a talk and scandal that I never should get over it:and perhaps,too,dear Andrey might try to get out and leave me!

Will ye lock us up in the tower,my dear good clerk?"she says.

"I'll tole him in there if you will."

'The clerk had no objection to do this to oblige the poor young woman,and they toled Andrey into the tower,and the clerk locked 'em both up straightway,and then went home,to return at the end of the two hours.

'Pa'son Toogood had not been long in his house after leaving the church when he saw a gentleman in pink and top-boots ride past his windows,and with a sudden flash of heat he called to mind that the hounds met that day just on the edge of his parish.The pa'son was one who dearly loved sport,and much he longed to be there.

'In short,except o'Sundays and at tide-times in the week,Pa'son Billy was the life o'the Hunt.'Tis true that he was poor,and that he rode all of a heap,and that his black mare was rat-tailed and old,and his tops older,and all over of one colour,whitey-brown,and full o'cracks.But he'd been in at the death of three thousand foxes.And--being a bachelor man--every time he went to bed in summer he used to open the bed at bottom and crawl up head foremost,to mind en of the coming winter and the good sport he'd have,and the foxes going to earth.And whenever there was a christening at the Squire's,and he had dinner there afterwards,as he always did,he never failed to christen the chiel over again in a bottle of port wine.

'Now the clerk was the parson's groom and gardener and jineral manager,and had just got back to his work in the garden when he,too,saw the hunting man pass,and presently saw lots more of 'em,noblemen and gentry,and then he saw the hounds,the huntsman,Jim Treadhedge,the whipper-in,and I don't know who besides.The clerk loved going to cover as frantical as the pa'son,so much so that whenever he saw or heard the pack he could no more rule his feelings than if they were the winds of heaven.He might be bedding,or he might be sowing--all was forgot.So he throws down his spade and rushes in to the pa'son,who was by this time as frantical to go as he.

"That there mare of yours,sir,do want exercise bad,very bad,this morning!"the clerk says,all of a tremble."Don't ye think I'd better trot her round the downs for an hour,sir?""To be sure,she does want exercise badly.I'll trot her round myself,"says the parson.

"Oh--you'll trot her yerself?Well,there's the cob,sir.Really that cob is getting oncontrollable through biding in a stable so long!If you wouldn't mind my putting on the saddle--""Very well.Take him out,certainly,"says the pa'son,never caring what the clerk did so long as he himself could get off immediately.

So,scrambling into his riding-boots and breeches as quick as he could,he rode off towards the meet,intending to be back in an hour.