第16章

I have not got back my rooms in West Cedar Street; they are occupied by a mesmeric healer.I am staying at an hotel, and it is very dreadful.Nothing for one's self; nothing for one's preferences and habits.No one to receive you when you arrive; you push in through a crowd, you edge up to a counter; you write your name in a horrible book, where every one may come and stare at it and finger it.A man behind the counter stares at you in silence; his stare seems to say to you, "What the devil do YOU want?" But after this stare he never looks at you again.He tosses down a key at you; he presses a bell;a savage Irishman arrives."Take him away," he seems to say to the Irishman; but it is all done in silence; there is no answer to your own speech,--"What is to be done with me, please?" "Wait and you will see," the awful silence seems to say.There is a great crowd around you, but there is also a great stillness; every now and then you hear some one expectorate.There are a thousand people in this huge and hideous structure; they feed together in a big white-walled room.It is lighted by a thousand gas-jets, and heated by cast-iron screens, which vomit forth torrents of scorching air.The temperature is terrible; the atmosphere is more so; the furious light and heat seem to intensify the dreadful definiteness.When things are so ugly, they should not be so definite; and they are terribly ugly here.There is no mystery in the corners; there is no light and shade in the types.The people are haggard and joyless;they look as if they had no passions, no tastes, no senses.They sit feeding in silence, in the dry hard light; occasionally I hear the high firm note of a child.The servants are black and familiar;their faces shine as they shuffle about; there are blue tones in their dark masks.They have no manners; they address you, but they don't answer you; they plant themselves at your elbow (it rubs their clothes as you eat), and watch you as if your proceedings were strange.They deluge you with iced water; it's the only thing they will bring you; if you look round to summon them, they have gone for more.If you read the newspaper--which I don't, gracious Heaven! Ican't--they hang over your shoulder and peruse it also.I always fold it up and present it to them; the newspapers here are indeed for an African taste.There are long corridors defended by gusts of hot air; down the middle swoops a pale little girl on parlour skates."Get out of my way!" she shrieks as she passes; she has ribbons in her hair and frills on her dress; she makes the tour of the immense hotel.I think of Puck, who put a girdle round the earth in forty minutes, and wonder what he said as he flitted by.Ablack waiter marches past me, bearing a tray, which he thrusts into my spine as he goes.It is laden with large white jugs; they tinkle as he moves, and I recognise the unconsoling fluid.We are dying of iced water, of hot air, of gas.I sit in my room thinking of these things--this room of mine which is a chamber of pain.The walls are white and bare, they shine in the rays of a horrible chandelier of imitation bronze, which depends from the middle of the ceiling.It flings a patch of shadow on a small table covered with white marble, of which the genial surface supports at the present moment the sheet of paper on which I address you; and when I go to bed (I like to read in bed, Harvard) it becomes an object of mockery and torment.

It dangles at inaccessible heights; it stares me in the face; it flings the light upon the covers of my book, but not upon the page--the little French Elzevir that I love so well.I rise and put out the gas, and then my room becomes even lighter than before.Then a crude illumination from the hall, from the neighbouring room, pours through the glass openings that surmount the two doors of my apartment.It covers my bed, where I toss and groan; it beats in through my closed lids; it is accompanied by the most vulgar, though the most human, sounds.I spring up to call for some help, some remedy; but there is no bell, and I feel desolate and weak.There is only a strange orifice in the wall, through which the traveller in distress may transmit his appeal.I fill it with incoherent sounds, and sounds more incoherent yet come back to me.I gather at last their meaning; they appear to constitute a somewhat stern inquiry.A hollow impersonal voice wishes to know what I want, and the very question paralyses me.I want everything--yet I want nothing--nothing this hard impersonality can give! I want my little corner of Paris; I want the rich, the deep, the dark Old World; Iwant to be out of this horrible place.Yet I can't confide all this to that mechanical tube; it would be of no use; a mocking laugh would come up from the office.Fancy appealing in these sacred, these intimate moments, to an "office"; fancy calling out into indifferent space for a candle, for a curtain! I pay incalculable sums in this dreadful house, and yet I haven't a servant to wait upon me.I fling myself back on my couch, and for a long time afterward the orifice in the wall emits strange murmurs and rumblings.It seems unsatisfied, indignant; it is evidently scolding me for my vagueness.My vagueness, indeed, dear Harvard!

I loathe their horrible arrangements; isn't that definite enough?

You asked me to tell you whom I see, and what I think of my friends.

I haven't very many; I don't feel at all en rapport.The people are very good, very serious, very devoted to their work; but there is a terrible absence of variety of type.Every one is Mr.Jones, Mr.

Brown; and every one looks like Mr.Jones and Mr.Brown.They are thin; they are diluted in the great tepid bath of Democracy! They lack completeness of identity; they are quite without modelling.

No, they are not beautiful, my poor Harvard; it must be whispered that they are not beautiful.You may say that they are as beautiful as the French, as the Germans; but I can't agree with you there.

The French, the Germans, have the greatest beauty of all--the beauty of their ugliness--the beauty of the strange, the grotesque.These people are not even ugly; they are only plain.Many of the girls are pretty; but to be only pretty is (to my sense) to be plain.Yet I have had some talk.I have seen a woman.She was on the steamer, and I afterward saw her in New York--a peculiar type, a real personality; a great deal of modelling, a great deal of colour, and yet a great deal of mystery.She was not, however, of this country;she was a compound of far-off things.But she was looking for something here--like me.We found each other, and for a moment that was enough.I have lost her now; I am sorry, because she liked to listen to me.She has passed away; I shall not see her again.She liked to listen to me; she almost understood!