第37章

It was settled that Grace should go to Allington as soon as a letter could be received from Miss Dale in return to Grace's note, and on the third morning after her arrival at home she started. None but they who have themselves been poor gentry--gentry so poor as not to know how to raise a shilling--can understand the peculiar bitterness of the trials which such poverty produces. The poverty of the normal poor does not approach it; or, rather, the pangs arising from such poverty are altogether of a different sort. To be hungry and have no food, to be cold and have no fuel, to be threatened with distraint for one's few chairs and tables, and with the loss of the roof over one's head--all these miseries, which, if they do not positively reach, are so frequently near to reaching the normal poor, are, no doubt, the severest of the trials to which humanity is subjected. They threaten life--or, if not life, then liberty--reducing the abject one to a choice between captivity or starvation. By hook or crook, the poor gentleman or poor lady--let the one or the other be so poor--does not often come to the last extremity of the workhouse. There are such cases, but they are exceptional. Mrs Crawley, through all her sufferings, had never yet found her cupboard to be absolutely bare, or the bread-pan to be actually empty. But there are pangs to which, at the time, starvation itself would seem to be preferable. The angry eyes of the unpaid tradesman, savage with anger which one knows to be justifiable; the taunt of the poor servant who wants her wages; the gradual relinquishment of habits which the soft nurture of earlier, kinder years had made second nature; the wan cheeks of the wife whose malady demands wine; the rags of the husband whose outward occupations demand decency;the neglected children, who are learning not be the children of gentlefolk; and, worse than all, the alms and doles of half-generous friends, the waning pride, the pride that will not wane, the growing doubt whether it be not better to bow the head, and acknowledge to all the world that nothing of the pride of station is left--that the hand is open to receive and ready to touch the cap, that the fall from the upper to the lower level has been accomplished--these are the pangs of poverty which drive the Crawleys of the world to be frequent entertaining of that idea of the bare bodkin. It was settled that Grace should go to Allington;--but how about her clothes? And then, whence was to come the money for the journey?

'I don't think they'll mind about my being shabby at Allington. They live very quietly there.'

'But you say that Miss Dale is so very nice in all her ways.'

'Lily is very nice, mamma; but I shan't mind her so much as her mother, because she knows it all. I have told her everything.'

'But you have given me all your money, dearest.'

'Miss Prettyman told me I was to come to her,' said Grace, who had already taken some from the schoolmistress, which at once had gone into mother's pocket, and into household purposes. 'She said I should be sure to go to Allington, and that of course I should go to her, as I must pass through Silverbridge.'

'I hope papa will not ask about it,' said Mrs Crawley. Luckily papa did not ask about it, being at the moment occupied much with other thoughts and other troubles, and Grace was allowed to return by Silverbridge, and to take what was needed from Miss Prettyman. Who can tell of the mending and patching, of the very wearing midnight hours of needlework which were accomplished before the poor girl went, so that she might not reach her friend's house in actual rags? And when the world was ended, what was there to show for it? I do not think that the idea of the bare bodkin, as regarded herself, ever flitted across Miss Crawley's brain--she being one of those who are very strong to endure; but it must have occurred to her very often that the repose of the grave is sweet, and that there cometh after death a levelling and making even of things, which would at last cure all her evils.

Grace no doubt looked forward to a levelling and making even of things--or perhaps to something more prosperous than that, which should come to her relief on this side of the grave. She could not but have high hopes in regard to her future destiny. Although, as has been said, she understood no more than she ought to have understood from Miss Prettyman's account of the conversation with Major Grantly, still, innocent as she was, she had understood much. She knew that the man loved her, and she knew also that she loved the man. She thoroughly comprehended that the present could be to her no time for listening to speeches of love, or for giving kind answers; but still I think that she did look for relief on this side of the grave.