第23章 Another Feminine Problem.(4)

"In order to carry out this transaction honestly,am I expected to make conscious and patient effort to come under the influence of this maiden in brown,who has had some mysterious complaint in the past,about which 'neither you,nor I,nor anybody knows,'as the poet saith:or,like the ancient mariner,will she 'hold me with her glittering eye?'""You have only to jog on in your old ways until she wakes you up and makes a man of you.""I surely am dreaming;for never did the level-headed Van Berg talk such arrant nonsense before.If she seems to you such a marvel,why don't you open your own mouth and let the ripe cherry drop into it.""One reason will answer,were there no others--she wouldn't drop.

If you ever win her,my boy,you will have to bestir yourself.""I'd rather win the picture.Let me see--I know the very place in my room where I shall hang it.""You are a little premature.That chicken is not yet hatched,and you may feel like hanging yourself in the place of the picture before the summer is over.""Let me wrap your head in ice-water,Van.There's mine host--O,Mr.

Burleigh!"he cried to the landlord,who at that moment happened to cross the piazza;"please step here.My friend Mr.Van Berg has been strangely fascinated by the stranger in brown whom you,with some deep and malicious design,placed opposite to him at the table.What are her antecedents,and who are her uncles?I take a friendly interest in this young man.Indeed,I'm sort of a guardian angel to him,having saved his life many a time.""Saved his life!"ejaculated the landlord."How?""By quenching his consuming genius with good dinners.But come--solve for me this riddle in brown.My friend usually gives but little heed to the feminine conundrums that smilingly ask to be answered,but for some occult reason he is in a state of sleepless interest over this one,and I know that his waistcoat is selling with gratitude to me for having the courage to ask these questions.""He is speaking several words for himself to one for me,"said Van Berg;"and yet I admit that her face and manner struck me very pleasantly.""Well,she has a pleasant little phiz,now hasn't she,Mr.Van Berg?

I don't wonder Mr.Stanton was taken by her,for I was myself.

It's but little I can tell you,save that she is a teacher in one of the New England female colleges,and that she brings letters to me from the most respectable parties,who introduce her as a lady in the best sense of the word.Further than that nothing was written,nor do I know anything concerning her.But any one who can't see that she's a perfect lady is no judge of the article.""I will stake any amount on that,basing my belief only on the first impression of one interview,"added Van Berg,decidedly.

"You now see how deeply my friend is impressed,"said Stanton,with a satirical smile."Thanks,Mr.Burleigh;we will not detain you any longer."When alone again,he resumed,with an expression of disgust:

"A 'New England FEMALE college!'How aptly he words it.If there's any region on the face of the earth that I detest,it's New England;and if there is one type of women that I'd shun as I would 'ever angry bears,'it's a New England school-ma'am.""'But if thy flight lay toward the raging sea'of a restless,all-absorbing passion,'Thou'dst meet the bear I'the mouth,'as you will try to in this case.You will be ready to barter your ears for a kiss before very long.""It will be after they have grown prodigiously long and hairy in some transformation scene like that in which the immortal Bottom was the victim.""Your illustration tells against you,for it was only after his appropriate transformation that Bottom saw the fairy queen;but in your case the desire to 'munch'will be banned.""Come,Van,we have had enough chaff on this topic,already worn threadbare.I now know all about the mysterious complaint,the impress of which on the face of the school-ma'am has so dazed you.It's a New England female college--a place where they give a razor-like edge to the wits of Yankee women,already too sharp,and develop in attenuated maidens the hatchet faces of their sires.

You may as well set about that picture at once,whenever you feel in the mood for work.""I admit that I have been speaking nonsense,and yet you may find many grains of truth in my chaff,nevertheless.""But is my picture to end in chaff?"

"I will stand by my promise.If I lose,perhaps I'll paint you the school-ma'am's portrait.""Then we would both lose,for I would have no earthly use for that.""Well,I will paint what you wish,within reason.""I'm content,and with good reason,for never did I have such absurd good luck before.""Ha!look yonder--quick!"

Both the young men started to their feet,but before they could spring forward,the event,which had so suddenly aroused them,was an accomplished fact.

Both drew a long breath of relief as they looked at each other,and Van Berg remarked,with some emphasis:

"Act first,scene first,and it does not open like a comedy either."