第31章 ALICIA'S DIARY(6)

Having noticed this I dropped behind at the first opportunity and slipped among the trees,in a direction in which I knew I should find another path that would take me home.Upon this track I by and by emerged,and walked along it in silent thought till,at a bend,Isuddenly encountered M.de la Feste standing stock still and smiling thoughtfully at me.

'Where is Caroline?'said I.

'Only a little way off,'says he.'When we missed you from behind us we thought you might have mistaken the direction we had followed,so she has gone one way to find you and I have come this way.'We then went back to find Caroline,but could not discover her anywhere,and the upshot was that he and I were wandering about the woods alone for more than an hour.On reaching home we found she had given us up after searching a little while,and arrived there some time before.I should not be so disturbed by the incident if I had not perceived that,during her absence from us,he did not make any earnest effort to rediscover her;and in answer to my repeated expressions of wonder as to whither she could have wandered he only said,'Oh,she's quite safe;she told me she knew the way home from any part of this wood.Let us go on with our talk.I assure you Ivalue this privilege of being with one I so much admire more than you imagine;'and other things of that kind.I was so foolish as to show a little perturbation--I cannot tell why I did not control myself;and I think he noticed that I was not cool.Caroline has,with her simple good faith,thought nothing of the occurrence;yet altogether I am not satisfied.

CHAPTER V.--HER SITUATION IS A TRYING ONEMay 15.--The more I think of it day after day,the more convinced Iam that my suspicions are true.He is too interested in me--well,in plain words,loves me;or,not to degrade that phrase,has a wild passion for me;and his affection for Caroline is that towards a sister only.That is the distressing truth;how it has come about Icannot tell,and it wears upon me.

A hundred little circumstances have revealed this to me,and the longer I dwell upon it the more agitating does the consideration become.Heaven only can help me out of the terrible difficulty in which this places me.I have done nothing to encourage him to be faithless to her.I have studiously kept out of his way;have persistently refused to be a third in their interviews.Yet all to no purpose.Some fatality has seemed to rule,ever since he came to the house,that this disastrous inversion of things should arise.If I had only foreseen the possibility of it before he arrived,how gladly would I have departed on some visit or other to the meanest friend to hinder such an apparent treachery.But I blindly welcomed him--indeed,made myself particularly agreeable to him for her sake.

There is no possibility of my suspicions being wrong;not until they have reached absolute certainty have I dared even to admit the truth to myself.His conduct to-day would have proved them true had Ientertained no previous apprehensions.Some photographs of myself came for me by post,and they were handed round at the breakfast table and criticised.I put them temporarily on a side table,and did not remember them until an hour afterwards when I was in my own room.On going to fetch them I discovered him standing at the table with his back towards the door bending over the photographs,one of which he raised to his lips.

The witnessing this act so frightened me that I crept away to escape observation.It was the climax to a series of slight and significant actions all tending to the same conclusion.The question for me now is,what am I to do?To go away is what first occurs to me,but what reason can I give Caroline and my father for such a step;besides,it might precipitate some sort of catastrophe by driving Charles to desperation.For the present,therefore,I have decided that I can only wait,though his contiguity is strangely disturbing to me now,and I hardly retain strength of mind to encounter him.How will the distressing complication end?

May 19.--And so it has come!My mere avoidance of him has precipitated the worst issue--a declaration.I had occasion to go into the kitchen garden to gather some of the double ragged-robins which grew in a corner there.Almost as soon as I had entered Iheard footsteps without.The door opened and shut,and I turned to behold him just inside it.As the garden is closed by four walls and the gardener was absent,the spot ensured absolute privacy.He came along the path by the asparagus-bed,and overtook me.

'You know why I come,Alicia?'said he,in a tremulous voice.

I said nothing,and hung my head,for by his tone I did know.

'Yes,'he went on,'it is you I love;my sentiment towards your sister is one of affection too,but protective,tutelary affection--no more.Say what you will I cannot help it.I mistook my feeling for her,and I know how much I am to blame for my want of self-knowledge.I have fought against this discovery night and day;but it cannot be concealed.Why did I ever see you,since I could not see you till I had committed myself?At the moment my eyes beheld you on that day of my arrival,I said,"This is the woman for whom my manhood has waited."Ever since an unaccountable fascination has riveted my heart to you.Answer one word!'

'O,M.de la Feste!'I burst out.What I said more I cannot remember,but I suppose that the misery I was in showed pretty plainly,for he said,'Something must be done to let her know;perhaps I have mistaken her affection,too;but all depends upon what you feel.'

'I cannot tell what I feel,'said I,'except that this seems terrible treachery;and every moment that I stay with you here makes it worse!

...Try to keep faith with her--her young heart is tender;believe me there is no mistake in the quality of her love for you.

Would there were!This would kill her if she knew it!'

He sighed heavily.'She ought never to be my wife,'he said.

'Leaving my own happiness out of the question,it would be a cruelty to her to unite her to me.'