第9章
Not long after visiting his mother's grave Alyosha suddenly announced that he wanted to enter the monastery, and that the monks were willing to receive him as a novice.He explained that this was his strong desire, and that he was solemnly asking his consent as his father.The old man knew that the elder Zossima, who was living in the monastery hermitage, had made a special impression upon his "gentle boy.""That is the most honest monk among them, of course," he observed, after listening in thoughtful silence to Alyosha, and seeming scarcely surprised at his request."H'm!...So that's where you want to be, my gentle boy?"He was half drunk, and suddenly he grinned his slow half-drunken grin, which was not without a certain cunning and tipsy slyness.
"H'm!...I had a presentiment that you would end in something like this.Would you believe it? You were making straight for it.Well, to be sure you have your own two thousand.That's a dowry for you.And I'll never desert you, my angel.And I'll pay what's wanted for you there, if they ask for it.But, of course, if they don't ask, why should we worry them? What do you say? You know, you spend money like a canary, two grains a week.H'm!...Do you know that near one monastery there's a place outside the town where every baby knows there are none but 'the monks' wives' living, as they are called.
Thirty women, I believe.I have been there myself.You know, it's interesting in its way, of course, as a variety.The worst of it is it's awfully Russian.There are no French women there.Of course, they could get them fast enough, they have plenty of money.If they get to hear of it they'll come along.Well, there's nothing of that sort here, no 'monks' wives,' and two hundred monks.They're honest.They keep the fasts.I admit it....H'm....So you want to be a monk? And do you know I'm sorry to lose you, Alyosha; would you believe it, I've really grown fond of you? Well, it's a good opportunity.You'll pray for us sinners; we have sinned too much here.I've always been thinking who would pray for me, and whether there's anyone in the world to do it.My dear boy, I'm awfully stupid about that.You wouldn't believe it.Awfully.You see, however stupid I am about it, Ikeep thinking, I keep thinking- from time to time, of course, not all the while.It's impossible, I think, for the devils to forget to drag me down to hell with their hooks when I die.Then I wonder-hooks? Where would they get them? What of? Iron hooks? Where do they forge them? Have they a foundry there of some sort? The monks in the monastery probably believe that there's a ceiling in hell, for instance.Now I'm ready to believe in hell, but without a ceiling.
It makes it more refined, more enlightened, more Lutheran that is.
And, after all, what does it matter whether it has a ceiling or hasn't? But, do you know, there's a damnable question involved in it? If there's no ceiling there can be no hooks, and if there are no hooks it all breaks down, which is unlikely again, for then there would be none to drag me down to hell, and if they don't drag me down what justice is there in the world? Il faudrait les inventer,*those hooks, on purpose for me alone, for, if you only knew, Alyosha, what a black-guard I am."* It would be neccessary to invent them.
"But there are no hooks there," said Alyosha, looking gently and seriously at his father.
"Yes, yes, only the shadows of hooks.I know, I know.That's how a Frenchman described hell: 'J'ai vu l'ombre d'un cocher qui avec l'ombre d'une brosse frottait l'ombre d'une carrosse.'* How do you know there are no hooks, darling? When you've lived with the monks you'll sing a different tune.But go and get at the truth there, and then come and tell me.Anyway it's easier going to the other world if one knows what there is there.Besides, it will be more seemly for you with the monks than here with me, with a drunken old man and young harlots...though you're like an angel, nothing touches you.And I dare say nothing will touch you there.That's why I let you go, because I hope for that.You've got all your wits about you.You will burn and you will burn out; you will be healed and come back again.And I will wait for you.I feel that you're the only creature in the world who has not condemned me.My dear boy, I feel it, you know.I can't help feeling it."* I've seen the shadow of a coachman rubbing the shadow of a coach with the shadow of a brush.
And he even began blubbering.He was sentimental.He was wicked and sentimental.
Chapter 5