第4章

Though she always had Heimweh, and especially at the end of the summer term, this year it had been a different feeling altogether that made her say to her husband: "I want to go to the mountains!"For twelve years she had longed for the mountains every summer, but had not pleaded for them; this year she had pleaded, but she did not long for them.It was because she had suddenly realized the strange fact that she did not want to leave England, and the reason for it, that she had come and begged to go.Yet why, when it was just to get away from thought of this boy, had she said: "Yes, Ithink he ought to come!" Ah! but life for her was always a strange pull between the conscientious and the desperate; a queer, vivid, aching business! How long was it now since that day when he first came to lunch, silent and shy, and suddenly smiling as if he were all lighted up within--the day when she had said to her husband afterwards: "Ah, he's an angel!" Not yet a year--the beginning of last October term, in fact.He was different from all the other boys; not that he was a prodigy with untidy hair, ill-fitting clothes, and a clever tongue; but because of something--something--Ah! well--different; because he was--he; because she longed to take his head between her hands and kiss it.She remembered so well the day that longing first came to her.She was giving him tea, it was quite early in the Easter term; he was stroking her cat, who always went to him, and telling her that he meant to be a sculptor, but that his guardian objected, so that, of course, he could not start till he was of age.The lamp on the table had a rose-coloured shade; he had been rowing--a very cold day--and his face was glowing; generally it was rather pale.And suddenly he smiled, and said: "It's rotten waiting for things, isn't it?" It was then she had almost stretched out her hands to draw his forehead to her lips.She had thought then that she wanted to kiss him, because it would have been so nice to be his mother--she might just have been his mother, if she had married at sixteen.But she had long known now that she wanted to kiss, not his forehead, but his lips.He was there in her life--a fire in a cold and unaired house; it had even become hard to understand that she could have gone on all these years without him.She had missed him so those six weeks of the Easter vacation, she had revelled so in his three queer little letters, half-shy, half-confidential; kissed them, and worn them in her dress! And in return had written him long, perfectly correct epistles in her still rather quaint English.She had never let him guess her feelings; the idea that he might shocked her inexpressibly.When the summer term began, life seemed to be all made up of thoughts of him.If, ten years ago, her baby had lived, if its cruel death--after her agony--had not killed for good her wish to have another; if for years now she had not been living with the knowledge that she had no warmth to expect, and that love was all over for her; if life in the most beautiful of all old cities had been able to grip her--there would have been forces to check this feeling.But there was nothing in the world to divert the current.And she was so brimful of life, so conscious of vitality running to sheer waste.Sometimes it had been terrific, that feeling within her, of wanting to live--to find outlet for her energy.So many hundreds of lonely walks she had taken during all these years, trying to lose herself in Nature--hurrying alone, running in the woods, over the fields, where people did not come, trying to get rid of that sense of waste, trying once more to feel as she had felt when a girl, with the whole world before her.It was not for nothing that her figure was superb, her hair so bright a brown, her eyes so full of light.She had tried many distractions.Work in the back streets, music, acting, hunting;given them up one after the other; taken to them passionately again.They had served in the past.But this year they had not served....One Sunday, coming from confession unconfessed, she had faced herself.It was wicked.She would have to kill this feeling--must fly from this boy who moved her so! If she did not act quickly, she would be swept away.And then the thought had come: Why not? Life was to be lived--not torpidly dozed through in this queer cultured place, where age was in the blood! Life was for love--to be enjoyed! And she would be thirty-six next month!

It seemed to her already an enormous age.Thirty-six! Soon she would be old, actually old--and never have known passion! The worship, which had made a hero of the distinguished-looking Englishman, twelve years older than herself, who could lead up the Cimone della Pala, had not been passion.It might, perhaps, have become passion if he had so willed.But he was all form, ice, books.Had he a heart at all, had he blood in his veins? Was there any joy of life in this too beautiful city and these people who lived in it--this place where even enthusiasms seemed to be formal and have no wings, where everything was settled and sophisticated as the very chapels and cloisters? And yet, to have this feeling for a boy--for one almost young enough to be her son!

It was so--shameless! That thought haunted her, made her flush in the dark, lying awake at night.And desperately she would pray--for she was devout--pray to be made pure, to be given the holy feelings of a mother, to be filled simply with the sweet sense that she could do everything, suffer anything for him, for his good.

After these long prayers she would feel calmed, drowsy, as though she had taken a drug.For hours, perhaps, she would stay like that.And then it would all come over her again.She never thought of his loving her; that would be--unnatural.Why should he love her? She was very humble about it.Ever since that Sunday, when she avoided the confessional, she had brooded over how to make an end--how to get away from a longing that was too strong for her.

And she had hit on this plan--to beg for the mountains, to go back to where her husband had come into her life, and try if this feeling would not die.If it did not, she would ask to be left out there with her own people, away from this danger.And now the fool--the blind fool--the superior fool--with his satiric smile, his everlasting patronage, had driven her to overturn her own plan.

Well, let him take the consequences; she had done her best! She would have this one fling of joy, even if it meant that she must stay out there, and never see the boy again!

Standing in her dusky hall, where a faint scent of woodrot crept out into the air, whenever windows and doors were closed, she was all tremulous with secret happiness.To be with him among her mountains, to show him all those wonderful, glittering or tawny crags, to go with him to the top of them and see the kingdoms of the world spread out below; to wander with him in the pine woods, on the Alps in all the scent of the trees and the flowers, where the sun was hot! The first of July; and it was only the tenth of June! Would she ever live so long? They would not go to San Martino this time, rather to Cortina--some new place that had no memories!

She moved from the window, and busied herself with a bowl of flowers.She had heard that humming sound which often heralded her husband's approach, as though warning the world to recover its good form before he reached it.In her happiness she felt kind and friendly to him.If he had not meant to give her joy, he had nevertheless given it! He came downstairs two at a time, with that air of not being a pedagogue, which she knew so well; and, taking his hat off the stand, half turned round to her.

"Pleasant youth, young Lennan; hope he won't bore us out there!"His voice seemed to have an accent of compunction, to ask pardon for having issued that impulsive invitation.And there came to her an overwhelming wish to laugh.To hide it, to find excuse for it, she ran up to him, and, pulling his coat lapels till his face was within reach, she kissed the tip of his nose.And then she laughed.And he stood looking at her, with his head just a little on one side, and his eyebrows just a little raised.