第62章
A.is a notorious thief.Messrs.Bumpus and Crane examine him and find a good-sized organ of Acquisitiveness.Positive fact for Phrenology.Casts and drawings of A.are multiplied, and the bump does not lose in the act of copying.--I did not say it gained.--What do you look so for? (to the boarders.)Presently B.turns up, a bigger thief than A.But B.has no bump at all over Acquisitiveness.Negative fact; goes against Phrenology.
--Not a bit of it.Don't you see how small Conscientiousness is?
That's the reason B.stole.
And then comes C., ten times as much a thief as either A.or B.,--used to steal before he was weaned, and would pick one of his own pockets and put its contents in another, if he could find no other way of committing petty larceny.Unfortunately, C.has a hollow, instead of a bump, over Acquisitiveness.Ah, but just look and see what a bump of Alimentiveness! Did not C.buy nuts and gingerbread, when a boy, with the money he stole? Of course you see why he is a thief, and how his example confirms our noble science.
At last comes along a case which is apparently a settler, for there is a little brain with vast and varied powers,--a case like that of Byron, for instance.Then comes out the grand reserve-reason which covers everything and renders it simply impossible ever to corner a Phrenologist."It is not the size alone, but the quality of an organ, which determines its degree of power."Oh! oh! I see.--The argument may be briefly stated thus by the Phrenologist: "Heads I win, tails you lose." Well, that's convenient.
It must be confessed that Phrenology has a certain resemblance to the Pseudo-sciences.I did not say it was a Pseudo-science.
I have often met persons who have been altogether struck up and amazed at the accuracy with which some wandering Professor of Phrenology had read their characters written upon their skulls.Of course the Professor acquires his information solely through his cranial inspections and manipulations.--What are you laughing at?
(to the boarders.)--But let us just suppose, for a moment, that a tolerably cunning fellow, who did not know or care anything about Phrenology, should open a shop and undertake to read off people's characters at fifty cents or a dollar apiece.Let us see how well he could get along without the "organs."I will suppose myself to set up such a shop.I would invest one hundred dollars, more or less, in casts of brains, skulls, charts, and other matters that would make the most show for the money.That would do to begin with.I would then advertise myself as the celebrated Professor Brainey, or whatever name I might choose, and wait for my first customer.My first customer is a middle-aged man.
I look at him,--ask him a question or two, so as to hear him talk.
When I have got the hang of him, I ask him to sit down, and proceed to fumble his skull, dictating as follows:
SCALE FROM 1 TO 10.
LIST OF FACULTIES FOR PRIVATE NOTES FOR MY PUPIL.
CUSTOMER.
Each to be accompanied with a wink.
Amativeness, 7.Most men love the conflicting sex, and all men love to be told they do.
Alimentiveness, 8.Don't you see that he has burst off his lowest waistcoat-button with feeding,--heyAcquisitiveness, 8.Of course.A middle-aged Yankee.
Approbativeness 7+.Hat well brushed.Hair ditto.Mark the effect of that plus sign.
Self-Esteem 6.His face shows that.
Benevolence 9.That'll please him.
Conscientiousness 8? That fraction looks first-rate.
Mirthfulness 7 Has laughed twice since he came in.
Ideality 9 That sounds well.
Form, Size, Weight,4 to 6.Average everything that Color, Locality, cannot be guessed.
Eventuality, etc.etc.
And so of the other faculties.
Of course, you know, that isn't the way the Phrenologists do.They go only by the bumps.--What do you keep laughing so for? (to the boarders.) I only said that is the way I should practise "Phrenology" for a living.
End of my Lecture.
--The Reformers have good heads, generally.Their faces are commonly serene enough, and they are lambs in private intercourse, even though their voices may be likeThe wolf's long howl from Oonalaska's shore,when heard from the platform.Their greatest spiritual danger is from the perpetual flattery of abuse to which they are exposed.
These lines are meant to caution them.
SAINT ANTHONY THE REFORMER.
HIS TEMPTATION.
No fear lest praise should make us proud!
We know how cheaply that is won;
The idle homage of the crowd Is proof of tasks as idly done.
A surface-smile may pay the toil That follows still the conquering Right, With soft, white hands to dress the spoil That sunbrowned valor clutched in fight.
Sing the sweet song of other days, Serenely placid, safely true, And o'er the present's parching ways Thy verse distils like evening dew.
But speak in words of living power,--
They fall like drops of scalding rain That plashed before the burning shower Swept o'er the cities of the plain!
Then scowling Hate turns deadly pale,--
Then Passion's half-coiled adders spring, And, smitten through their leprous mail, Strike right and left in hope to sting.
If thou, unmoved by poisoning wrath, Thy feet on earth, thy heart above, Canst walk in peace thy kingly path, Unchanged in trust, unchilled in love,--Too kind for bitter words to grieve, Too firm for clamor to dismay, When Faith forbids thee to believe, And Meekness calls to disobey, --Ah, then beware of mortal pride!
The smiling pride that calmly scorns Those foolish fingers, crimson dyed In laboring on thy crown of thorns!