第75章 CHAPTER THE FIFTH(6)

She stood in the dusk in a window that looked out upon the park, and she was now so intent upon her purpose as to be still and self-forgetful; she was dressed in a dinner-dress of white and pale green, that set off her slim erect body and the strong clear lines of her neck and shoulders very beautifully, some greenish stones caught a light from without and flashed soft whispering gleams from amidst the misty darkness of her hair.She was going to Lady Marayne and the opera, and he was bound for a dinner at the House with some young Liberals at which he was to meet two representative Indians with a grievance from Bengal.Husband and wife had but a few moments together.She asked about his company and he told her.

"They will tell you about India."

"Yes."

She stood for a moment looking out across the lights and the dark green trees, and then she turned to him.

"Why cannot I come with you?" she asked with sudden passion."Why cannot I see the things you want to see?""I tell you you are not interested.You would only be interested through me.That would not help me.I should just be dealing out my premature ideas to you.If you cared as I care, if you wanted to know as I want to know, it would be different.But you don't.It isn't your fault that you don't.It happens so.And there is no good in forced interest, in prescribed discovery.""Cheetah," she asked, "what is it that you want to know--that Idon't care for?"

"I want to know about the world.I want to rule the world.""So do I."

"No, you want to have the world."

"Isn't it the same?"

"No.You're a greedier thing than I am, you Black Leopard you--standing there in the dusk.You're a stronger thing.Don't you know you're stronger? When I am with you, you carry your point, because you are more concentrated, more definite, less scrupulous.

When you run beside me you push me out of my path....You've made me afraid of you....And so I won't go with you, Leopard.

I go alone.It isn't because I don't love you.I love you too well.It isn't because you aren't beautiful and wonderful....""But, Cheetah! nevertheless you care more for this that you want than you care for me."Benham thought of it."I suppose I do," he said.

"What is it that you want? Still I don't understand."Her voice had the break of one who would keep reasonable in spite of pain.

"I ought to tell you."

"Yes, you ought to tell me."

"I wonder if I can tell you," he said very thoughtfully, and rested his hands on his hips."I shall seem ridiculous to you.""You ought to tell me."

"I think what I want is to be king of the world."She stood quite still staring at him.

"I do not know how I can tell you of it.Amanda, do you remember those bodies--you saw those bodies--those mutilated men?""I saw them," said Amanda.

"Well.Is it nothing to you that those things happen?""They must happen."

"No.They happen because there are no kings but pitiful kings.

They happen because the kings love their Amandas and do not care.""But what can YOU do, Cheetah?"

"Very little.But I can give my life and all my strength.I can give all I can give.""But how? How can you help it--help things like that massacre?""I can do my utmost to find out what is wrong with my world and rule it and set it right.""YOU! Alone."

"Other men do as much.Every one who does so helps others to do so.

You see--...In this world one may wake in the night and one may resolve to be a king, and directly one has resolved one is a king.

Does that sound foolishness to you? Anyhow, it's fair that I should tell you, though you count me a fool.This--this kingship--this dream of the night--is my life.It is the very core of me.Much more than you are.More than anything else can be.I mean to be a king in this earth.KING.I'm not mad....I see the world staggering from misery to misery and there is little wisdom, less rule, folly, prejudice, limitation, the good things come by chance and the evil things recover and slay them, and it is my world and Iam responsible.Every man to whom this light has come is responsible.As soon as this light comes to you, as soon as your kingship is plain to you, there is no more rest, no peace, no delight, except in work, in service, in utmost effort.As far as Ican do it I will rule my world.I cannot abide in this smug city, Icannot endure its self-complacency, its routine, its gloss of success, its rottenness....I shall do little, perhaps I shall do nothing, but what I can understand and what I can do I will do.

Think of that wild beautiful country we saw, and the mean misery, the filth and the warring cruelty of the life that lives there, tragedy, tragedy without dignity; and think, too, of the limitless ugliness here, and of Russia slipping from disorder to massacre, and China, that sea of human beings, sliding steadily to disaster.Do you think these are only things in the newspapers? To me at any rate they are not things in newspapers; they are pain and failure, they are torment, they are blood and dust and misery.They haunt me day and night.Even if it is utterly absurd I will still do my utmost.It IS absurd.I'm a madman and you and my mother are sensible people....And I will go my way....I don't care for the absurdity.I don't care a rap."He stopped abruptly.

"There you have it, Amanda.It's rant, perhaps.Sometimes I feel it's rant.And yet it's the breath of life to me....There you are....At last I've been able to break silence and tell you...."He stopped with something like a sob and stood regarding the dusky mystery of her face.She stood quite still, she was just a beautiful outline in the twilight, her face was an indistinctness under the black shadow of her hair, with eyes that were two patches of darkness.

He looked at his watch, lifting it close to his face to see the time.His voice changed."Well--if you provoke a man enough, you see he makes speeches.Let it be a lesson to you, Amanda.Here we are talking instead of going to our dinners.The car has been waiting ten minutes."Amanda, so still, was the most disconcerting of all Amandas....