第5章

MRS.CANDOUR.So they are Child--shameful! shameful! but the world is so censorious no character escapes.Lord, now! who would have suspected your friend, Miss Prim, of an indiscretion Yet such is the ill-nature of people, that they say her unkle stopped her last week just as she was stepping into a Postchaise with her Dancing-master.

MARIA.I'll answer for't there are no grounds for the Report.

MRS.CANDOUR.Oh, no foundation in the world I dare swear[;]

no more probably than for the story circulated last month, of Mrs.Festino's affair with Colonel Cassino--tho' to be sure that matter was never rightly clear'd up.

SURFACE.The license of invention some people take is monstrous indeed.

MARIA.'Tis so but in my opinion, those who report such things are equally culpable.

MRS.CANDOUR.To be sure they are[;] Tale Bearers are as bad as the Tale makers--'tis an old observation and a very true one--but what's to be done as I said before--how will you prevent People from talking--to-day, Mrs.Clackitt assured me, Mr.and Mrs.Honeymoon were at last become mere man and wife--like [the rest of their]

acquaintance--she likewise hinted that a certain widow in the next street had got rid of her Dropsy and recovered her shape in a most surprising manner--at the same [time] Miss Tattle, who was by affirm'd, that Lord Boffalo had discover'd his Lady at a house of no extraordinary Fame--and that Sir Harry Bouquet and Tom Saunter were to measure swords on a similar Provocation.but--Lord! do you think I would report these Things--No, no[!] Tale Bearers as I said before are just as bad as the talemakers.

SURFACE.Ah! Mrs.Candour, if everybody had your Forbearance and good nature--MRS.CANDOUR.I confess Mr.Surface I cannot bear to hear People traduced behind their Backs[;] and when ugly circumstances come out against our acquaintances I own I always love to think the best--by the bye I hope 'tis not true that your Brother is absolutely ruin'd--SURFACE.I am afraid his circumstances are very bad indeed, Ma'am--MRS.CANDOUR.Ah! I heard so--but you must tell him to keep up his Spirits--everybody almost is in the same way--Lord Spindle, Sir Thomas Splint, Captain Quinze, and Mr.Nickit--all up, I hear, within this week; so, if Charles is undone, He'll find half his Acquaintance ruin'd too, and that, you know, is a consolation--SURFACE.Doubtless, Ma'am--a very great one.

Enter SERVANT

SERVANT.Mr.Crabtree and Sir Benjamin Backbite.

LADY SNEERWELL.Soh! Maria, you see your lover pursues you--Positively you shan't escape.

Enter CRABTREE and SIR BENJAMIN BACKBITE

CRABTREE.Lady Sneerwell, I kiss your hand.Mrs.Candour I don't believe you are acquainted with my Nephew Sir Benjamin Backbite--Egad, Ma'am, He has a pretty wit--and is a pretty Poet too isn't He Lady Sneerwell?

SIR BENJAMIN.O fie, Uncle!

CRABTREE.Nay egad it's true--I back him at a Rebus or a Charade against the best Rhymer in the Kingdom--has your Ladyship heard the Epigram he wrote last week on Lady Frizzle's Feather catching Fire--Do Benjamin repeat it--or the Charade you made last Night extempore at Mrs.Drowzie's conversazione--Come now your first is the Name of a Fish, your second a great naval commander--and SIR BENJAMIN.Dear Uncle--now--prithee----CRABTREE.Efaith, Ma'am--'twould surprise you to hear how ready he is at all these Things.

LADY SNEERWELL.I wonder Sir Benjamin you never publish anything.

SIR BENJAMIN.To say truth, Ma'am, 'tis very vulgar to Print and as my little Productions are mostly Satires and Lampoons I find they circulate more by giving copies in confidence to the Friends of the Parties--however I have some love-Elegies, which, when favoured with this lady's smile I mean to give to the Public.

[Pointing to MARIA.]

CRABTREE.'Fore Heaven, ma'am, they'll immortalize you--you'll be handed down to Posterity, like Petrarch's Laura, or Waller's Sacharissa.

SIR BENJAMIN.Yes Madam I think you will like them--when you shall see in a beautiful Quarto Page how a neat rivulet of Text shall meander thro' a meadow of margin--'fore Gad, they will be the most elegant Things of their kind--CRABTREE.But Ladies, have you heard the news?

MRS.CANDOUR.What, Sir, do you mean the Report of----CRABTREE.No ma'am that's not it.--Miss Nicely is going to be married to her own Footman.

MRS.CANDOUR.Impossible!

CRABTREE.Ask Sir Benjamin.

SIR BENJAMIN.'Tis very true, Ma'am--everything is fixed and the wedding Livery bespoke.

CRABTREE.Yes and they say there were pressing reasons for't.

MRS.CANDOUR.It cannot be--and I wonder any one should believe such a story of so prudent a Lady as Miss Nicely.

SIR BENJAMIN.O Lud! ma'am, that's the very reason 'twas believed at once.She has always been so cautious and so reserved, that everybody was sure there was some reason for it at bottom.

LADY SNEERWELL.Yes a Tale of Scandal is as fatal to the Reputation of a prudent Lady of her stamp as a Fever is generally to those of the strongest Constitutions, but there is a sort of puny sickly Reputation, that is always ailing yet will outlive the robuster characters of a hundred Prudes.

SIR BENJAMIN.True Madam there are Valetudinarians in Reputation as well as constitution--who being conscious of their weak Part, avoid the least breath of air, and supply their want of Stamina by care and circumspection--MRS.CANDOUR.Well but this may be all mistake--You know, Sir Benjamin very trifling circumstances often give rise to the most injurious Tales.

CRABTREE.That they do I'll be sworn Ma'am--did you ever hear how Miss Shepherd came to lose her Lover and her Character last summer at Tunbridge--Sir Benjamin you remember it--SIR BENJAMIN.O to be sure the most whimsical circumstance--LADY SNEERWELL.How was it Pray--