第6章 破茧的蝴蝶 (2)

The day came when she tired of the mentality. She wasn’t a victim anymore and the time had come for her to move beyond the victim mentality. I asked her how she stopped the self destructive cycle. The first thing she did is something many abuse victims may have a hard time doing. She forgive her abuser. She did not say that she forgive him for breaking her ribs， she acknowledged that he had a problem and that he needed to get help. Wishing him ill will kept him in her mind more than he should have been. By acknowledging that he had hurt her， that he did have a problem， she was able to feel some relief. There was more though. As important as forgiving him was， she needed to forgive herself too. She needed to forgive herself for exposing the kids to the abuse. She needed to forgive herself for not reporting him to the police all the times he had hurt her. She needed to forgive herself for being afraid. She needed to forgive herself for not having walked away all the times she could have. She needed to forgive herself..

She did all those things so she could mentally move forward. Forgiving herself allowed her to get past some of the more intense things she had experienced. The physical bruises had all gone away. The emotional had stayed. It had clung to her and kept the victim mentality alive.

对下面的问题你会作何回答：我摆脱了虐待，翻开新的生活。有些事我一直在考虑，从何时开始，如何虐待会停止在我的生活中扮演重要的角色我见过那些继续生活的人，我想知道他们是如何做到的。

问这个问题的女士所问的问题是有效的。有许多不再是受害者的男人、女人和孩子，可是这些人感到无法将其抛在身后。它就如同过去被虐待时一样还是自己的一部分。唯一的区别是如今在他们的世界没有情感或身体虐待发生。

什么是受害人思维？

受害人思维是你对自己生活中的一切都指责于别人。(另一个不常用的定义是一个人认为未来只会给他们带来不好的东西)如果你没有获得晋升，那是因为Johnson比你做得多，不是因为他发现你成天上网。你最好的朋友打电话说不能和你进餐。她总是那么对你，不来。你将给她点颜色看看。当你再出去时就不会请她了。而没有考虑她才刚开学，而你却是在最后一分钟打给她电话。受害人思维。

最近，我和某位不再带着“受害人”思维的人谈话。她继续新的生活，不再有作为受害人要背的额外包袱。我们讨论了如何原谅虐待人，在此过程中你也要如何原谅自己。随之而来的就是释放了受害人思维。

当她生活在这种思维下，她发现自己更生气。她发现自己将满腔的愤恨都抛给了她的虐待者。她困在这种循环，似乎永远都不能前进。如果她生病了，那么她会对他生气；如果孩子捣蛋，她会对他生气；那个人不在牵涉，但是全都是他的错，不是她的错；他让事情这样...当你开始做“指责”游戏，生活要容易些。“指责”游戏让你的生活“容易”不前进，让你不成长。

有一天，她厌恶了这种思维。她不再是受害人，是时候让她走出这种思维。我问她如何停止这种自我毁灭的循环。她做的第一件事就是许多受害人感到难以去做的。她原谅了她的虐待者。她并没有说因为打断了她的肋骨而原谅，她承认他有问题，需要帮助。诅咒他只会让她依然记着他。通过承认他伤害了她，他确实有问题，她就能获得一些轻松。不过不仅如此。和原谅一样重要的，她需要原谅自己。她需要原谅自己让孩子暴露在虐待环境下。她需要原谅自己在他伤害她这一切的时候没有报警。她需要原谅自己的害怕感觉。她需要原谅自己一直以来本可以却没有离开。她需要原来那个她自己……

她做了这一切事情，这才能够精神上前进。原谅自己让她超越了过去感受到的更强烈东西。身体瘀伤过去都好了，可情绪的过去依旧还在。它牢牢地握住她，维系着受害人思维。

Don’t Let the Perfect Be the Enemy of the Good至善者，善之敌

I was inspired by an observation by Voltaire to make my resolution， “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” In other words， instead of pushing yourself to an impossible “perfect，”and therefore getting nowhere， accept “good.” Many things worth doing are worth doing badly.

I have a friend who never exercises unless she’s training for a marathon； as a consequence， she almost never exercises. I never push myself when I exercise， and although I suspect she scoffs at my wimpy(= wimpish：懦弱的，无用的)work-outs， I’ve managed to get myself to exercise several times a week for years. If I’d tried to have a more ambitious work-out， I’m sure I wouldn’t have exercised at all.

Along the same lines， I told a friend that one of my happiness-project resolutions was to “Remember birthdays，” and so I was sending out happy-birthday emails. He said， “Oh， you shouldn’t email！ You should call or write a hand-written note， that’s much nicer.” True – but I won’t. And it’s better to get something done imperfectly than to do nothing perfectly.

The perfect can also become the enemy of the good in the quest for perfect information. There are two ways to approach decision-making： as a satisficer (yes， that is a word) or as a maximizer.

Satisficers are those who make a decision or take action once their criteria are met. That doesn’t mean they’ll settle for mediocrity； their criteria can be very high， but as soon as they find the pasta sauce or the business card that has the qualities they want， they’re satisfied.

Maximizers want to make the optimal decision. Even if they see a bicycle or a backpack that meets their requirements， they can’t make a decision until after they’ve examined every option， to make the best possible choice. Studies suggest that satisficers tend to be happier than maximizers； maximizers spend a lot more time and energy to reach a decision， and they’re often anxious about whether they did， in fact， make the best choice. (For a fascinating discussion， read Barry Schwartz’s The Paradox of Choice.)

In almost every category， I’m a satisficer， and in fact， I often felt guilty about not doing more research before making decisions. But it’s one of my Secrets of Adulthood： Most decisions don’t require extensive research. In picking a girls’ summer camp， a friend got information from twenty-five camps and visited five in person. We got information from five camps and picked the one that a friend’s daughter loved. I used to think that my lack of diligence was a sign of laziness， and my resolution “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good” has made me feel a lot better.

In some situations， the happier course is to know when good enough is good enough， and not to worry about perfection or making the perfect choice.

在做出一项决意时，我谨记伏尔泰的箴言：“至善者，善之敌”。换言之，不要逼迫自己实现不可能的“完美”，而是去接受“好”。许多事情值得去做，但不需要事事完美。

我有一个朋友从来不锻炼，除非去练马拉松。结果，她几乎一直都没有锻炼。而我锻炼的时候，从来不会勉强自己。虽然我怀疑她看不起我的低锻炼强度，可是数年来我能坚持每周锻炼几次。如果我设定一个更高的锻炼目标，我肯定根本不会去锻炼。

同理，我曾告诉一位朋友，在我的“快乐计划”中，有一条是“记住生日”，因此我会发送生日祝福电子邮件。他说：“哦，你不该发电子邮件！应该打电话、写留言，这让人感觉更好。”是啊——但是我不会去做。不完美地做了某件事总比追求完美而一事无成的好。

在获得详尽信息上，“完美”也会成为“好”的敌人。有两种决策者：满足者（这个词是有的）和最大化者。

“满足者”是指那些一旦满足了标准后即做出决定或采取行动的人。这不表示他们甘愿接受平庸：他们的标准可能很高，但是一旦找到了希望中的东西，比如意粉酱或名片，他们就满足了。

“最大化者”希望做出最优化的决定。即便找到了满足需求的东西，例如自行车或背包，为了做出最佳选择，他们要检查每一个候选后才能做出决定。研究表明满足者往往比最大化者更快乐；最大化者为了做出一个决定要花更多的精力和时间，而且经常会为自己是不是真的做出最佳选择而烦恼。（对此的精彩讨论，请参阅《选择的矛盾》一书，作者Barry Schwartz）